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I loved him.
Despite his checking out of our upbringing when Mum died, and his always brusque manner. I still loved him.
We’d held onto him longer than we should have.
I looked from Logan’s stoic face to Ewen’s, then to Maeve’s. Esther had chosen not to come until the funeral, staying with her boisterous toddler and her loved up husband, Alec, for a few more days. If he hadn’t tried to pawn her off to Katie’s father, then none of us would be there. Dad would have lived. I couldn’t blame her for not coming for a last goodbye.
A nurse filtered into the room, doing final preparations and tapping away at a computer, the clicks joining the beeps amongst our silence.
What do you say to a father who provided, but rarely cared?
To a man whose syndicate came first, even over his children?
To a man who you still miss, despite that.
Maeve broke first, sitting heavily on the edge of the bed and gathering Dad’s slack hand in her own.
‘Hope Mum’s waiting up there. And Malcolm. Give them a cuddle from us.’ Tears welled as she whispered. ‘I’ll miss you.’
Ewen reached out and squeezed her shoulder before clearing his throat. ‘Yeah, I’m sure it won’t be long before you’re running an empire wherever you go next.’
‘God help us if Harold is there, too. Let’s keep your shit to one lifetime, huh?’ Logan chuckled before scratching his neck awkwardly.
They all looked at me, expectant.
‘Let’s just get it done,’ I said, hating myself for having nothing more poignant to say. Every time I let my mind go to him no longer existing, it was like it short-circuited. I needed to get out. To go see my antidote. To watch my girl.
‘Mac,’ Maeve said, her eyebrow furrowing as she continued to watch me. ‘Say goodbye.’
‘I’m fine. No point dragging it out. It’s not like he’s been here for the past two years, anyway.’ It sounded callous, but my body itched for escape.
The nurse focussed her attention on us with a tender smile. ‘I’m going to ask you all to pop out for a few minutes so that we can get your father ready.’
We filed out into the high-ceilinged hall and waited. Maeve stood next to me and slipped her arm through mine, resting against me in quiet comfort. I stiffened, my body still looking to escape.
‘It’s okay,’ she said. ‘It’ll be over soon.’
‘It’s not that.’
‘Then what?’ She fixed me with a look that I’d known all too well growing up.
‘I don’t know. Everything just keeps changing. First Esther running off to Spain, and now you shacked up with a guy we used to hate and some teens you rescued. Harold’s dead. Dad’s dying. Logan stressing out at us over deals left, right and centre. Sometimes I just wish I could go back. Back to when it was easier.’
Back before Katie met Tommy.
‘Not all change is terrible. You’ll meet someone and it will change your life in the best way.’
‘Whoa. I’m not looking for settling down,’ I said as the nurse opened the door to Dad’s room and ushered us inside.
The atmosphere was heavy as we stood around Dad, watching the machine breathe for him for the last few times.
‘I’m going to unclip the oxygen in a moment. I’ve turned off all the alarms, so there’s no need to worry about those.’ The nurse gently squeezed Dad’s hand as she spoke to us. ‘There might be some movements or convulsions before he passes. It’s the brain’s way of fighting for oxygen. It’s not something to fret over, and it’s a normal part of the passing process. Sometimes people think it means that they are rallying, but it doesn’t. Just keep talking to him, and reassuring him, and saying whatever it is you need him to hear. After he is gone, he may start turning blueish, again it’s a normal response. The doctor will come in to pronounce him and then you will have as much time as you need with him.’
She spoke in a soothing voice, despite the unsettling words she was saying.
‘It’s been an honour to care for your father, thank you.’
She disconnected the ventilation machine and waited near the door, giving us space.
