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“Hey, how are you feeling?” Dom asks, heading over to the bed.
Kirill rounds the other side and perches on the edge.
I force a smile. “Same. How are you guys?”
“Missing you,” Kirill says. “Missing Tino too. He’s in his room almost as much as you are.”
I wince as a fresh wave of guilt barrels through me. “Sorry,” I mutter.
Dom takes my hand. “Don’t be sorry. We understand. None of this is your fault.”
Isn’t it, though? If I’d never gotten involved with Paxton…
If I’d never gotten involved with Paxton, I’d most likely never have come here. I’d never have met the guys. But my mom would also still be alive. I know it’s a futile thing, asking myself ‘what if,’ but I can’t seem to stop myself. It tortures me.
“So,” Kirill says, edging farther onto the bed, “it’s Dom’s birthday tomorrow. The old man is turning twenty-two.”
I widen my eyes and turn to him. “It’s your birthday? Already? Surely that can’t be right.”
Kirill responds. “Yeah, it’s October now, Kukla. It’s been weeks since it all happened.”
I feel like I’ve been in a daze, or half-asleep—which I probably have. Shit. I become aware of how disgusting my bedsheets are, and that I can’t remember the last time I washed my hair. The guys have been forcing me into the bath and washing it for me, but it’s not the same as if I wash and style it myself. Plus, it’s probably been a month since I last shaved my legs.
A month. Has it really been so long?
A worm of unease buries into my belly. There’s something else, too. Something I’m missing.
“So, what are you planning?” I ask Dom. “You have to celebrate.”
He shrugs. “Nothing much. I figured you and Tino wouldn’t really be in the mood.”
“How is Tino?” I ask. “I haven’t seen as much of him.”
Dom presses his lips together. “Honestly, I think he’s struggling again. The doctors put him on some pretty strong meds.”
My chest crumples at the thought of Tino struggling. “I haven’t been there for him.”
“It’s okay,” Kirill says. “He understands. You’ve been through a lot.”
“So has he,” I admit. “So have we all.”
I realize how selfish I’ve been, withdrawing like this. I’m not the only one who’s been in pain. They needed me, too, and all I’ve done is create another problem for them.
I sit up. “I’m sorry. I’ve been so hopeless.”
Dom squeezes my hand. “You lost your mom. We understand.”
I sniff and nod. “I think I’m going to take a shower and get changed, then I’ll go to see Tino.”
Dom and Kirill exchange a quick glance. I can tell they’re trying to silently ask each other if this is a good idea or not.
“I’ll be fine,” I reassure them.
I will, too. For the first time, the fog of grief seems to be lifting.
“And then maybe we can think of something to do for Dom’s birthday?” There’s hope in Kirill’s tone.
I nod. “Yeah, absolutely.”
