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I don’t want to believe it. She can’t be dead; she just can’t be. There must be something we can do. My brain refuses to compute the possibility that this is real. I must be trapped in a nightmare, and any minute now I’m going to wake up.
But nothing changes.
“I need you,” I sob. “I still need you.”
Grief tears me in two. I desperately wish for some way I can go back in time and change what’s happened, but that’s impossible.
Paxton did this. But he did it because of me. Which makes my mother’s death my fault. I’m a walking, talking angel of death, and all I attract is violence and chaos. Part of me wants to run away and hide forever, deep in some deserted forest where I won’t be able to bring my toxicity to the world ever again.
I feel like all the strength has gone out of my body, my muscles have been drained of any power, my bones broken, my veins emptied of blood. I’m a shell of a person.
Hands try to hold me up, to offer me comfort, but I fight them off.
“No, leave me alone!”
It’s Nataniele. “Mackenzie, you can’t stay here. She’s gone.”
I fold in half, pressing my forehead to her chest, sheltering her with my body. I cry and scream and rock back and forth, utterly lost in my grief. I don’t care about anyone or anything, only that I’m alone in the world now.
I touch her face and try to see any recognition in her eyes. Can I bring life back to her? Give her my own breath? I would if I could.
Kirill’s with Nataniele now, trying to help me up. “Come on, my love. Let us help you, please, Mackenzie.”
But I ignore them both.
I scream and wail, as though my pain is a physical thing inside me that’s trying to escape through my mouth. For a while, I think I genuinely lose it. My brain won’t comprehend the reason for my grief, but my heart knows and is breaking.
Somewhere in the distance, I hear sirens.
I lost my dad, and now I’ve lost my mom too. I’m an orphan. What will happen to me now? The only reason I was ever tolerated here was because of my mom’s relationship with Nataniele. Now she’s gone, what will happen to me?
How had I left things with her? What were the final words I’d ever spoken to her? Had we fought? Had I told her I loved her? Did she know?
Our relationship had been fractious recently, more so than at any other time in our lives. We’d always been so close—more best friends than mother and daughter—but since coming to Verona Falls, things had been different. Revelations had been made, and I’d seen her in a different light—not one that I’d liked. But she’d still been my mom, and I’d loved her more than anything. I’d give anything to see her one last time, to tell her I loved her, and I was sorry for all the horrible things I might have said to her recently. I wished I hadn’t caused her so many problems, and I’d made her life a little more peaceful.
If it hadn’t been for my illness, we might never have found ourselves in any of this mess to begin with. If it hadn’t been for my weakness and always searching for love and acceptance, I’d never have met Paxton, and Mom would be alive.
“The paramedics are here, Mackenzie,” Nataniele says. “She can’t stay here. They need to take her.”
“No! Don’t touch her! Don’t touch her.”
I know if they take her away, I’ll never see her again.
He’s got tears streaming down his face, and somehow, that makes everything even worse. That a tough guy like Nataniele is crying means it’s real. She’s not coming back. Nothing can change what’s happened.
It’s as though I’ve lost a part of me.
Dom is here now, though I have no idea when he arrived. He’s covered in blood, but then so are lots of people after the explosion so no one asks where it’s from.
Between Dom and Kirill, they pull me to my feet. My legs won’t work, and I sag against them. They sandwich me between them, wrapping me in their bodies, trying to shield me from all the hurt and pain, but their efforts will never be enough. I’m distraught, crying and screaming against them. Their solid strength stops me from hurting myself, like they’re trying to crush the anger and pain out of me.
A tiny part of me is aware that Tino isn’t with them. He got hurt during the explosion, and paramedics are looking after him. I know I should check on him, to offer him some comfort, but I just don’t have it in me. Dom and Kirill will look out for him. He’s got his brothers, the other Devils. He doesn’t need me as well.
All the fight goes out of me.
Dom bends slightly and scoops me up like I’m a child, holding me against his chest. I wrap my arms around his neck and bury my face in his shoulder. I don’t even care if I get Paxton’s blood on me. My cries have softened to sobbing now, and still the tears come.
“I can’t leave her,” I whisper.
