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Twenty-year-old boy-men have such fragile egos. They’re not used to being directed, or guided, or a woman who asks for exactly what she needs. They watch too much porn and don’t read enough romance.
He shifts, like he’s uncomfortable. He brought it up though.
I change the subject and let him off the hook. “You’ve been playing clean, but I know you’re working hard off the ice to make it that way.”
His shoulders relax a little. “I know the importance of keeping my knee in good condition after that surgery. I’ve still got a year left on my contract, and I’m hoping for an extension.”
This is the kind of conversation I’m used to. We’ve always talked about personal goals and career expectations. “You put in the work last summer.”
“Thanks to you always dragging me down here to do laps.”
I hated seeing him so down after his knee surgery, so I made it my mission to help as much as possible. “All my annoying you was effective. You’re having an amazing season.”
“You never annoyed me. You were the kick in the ass I needed.” He smiles wryly, probably remembering how I’d steal his TV remote and refuse to give it back unless he got off his ass and joined me in the pool. Everything was different then. My secret crush was still a secret, and I wasn’t hiding things from my dad.
“Well, you’ve had an incredible comeback. You keep playing like you are, and they’ll definitely extend.”
He nods. “That’s the goal. I just need to make sure I don’t re-injure.”
“You follow all the rules, do all the work and then some. And even when you’re ready to hang up your skates, you’re more than a pretty face who’s amazing on the ice, Hollis. Whatever direction you decide to go, you’ll always have options.”
He smiles a real, genuine smile, and it makes him so beautiful my heart can hardly handle it. “Always looking on the bright side.”
“Can’t go through life hiding from the rain clouds.” I prop my cheek on my knuckles. “But I also understand the worry about what life could look like with a second serious injury.”
He nods. “I’m not twenty anymore. Things don’t heal the way they once did,” he replies.
“You’re only thirty-three, though.”
“Says the twenty-year-old university student,” he notes pointedly.
I sigh. I knew eventually we’d circle back to this. “I’ve watched rookies turn into star players. I’ve seen careers rise and fall. I get that I can’t understand exactly, but I can empathize in a way a lot of other people can’t.” I feel like I’m trying to pitch myself to him, which is stupid, but still I add, “I’m not a little girl anymore, Hollis.”
His eyes move over my face. “I’m well aware.”
I don’t want to be told, yet again, why I can’t have what I want. I start to stand, but Hollis’s fingers close around my wrist.
“Tell me something real and true.” His voice is deep, gritty. Like this is a struggle for him, too. Like he hurts the same way I do. We used to play this game last year, but it feels different now.
I sink back into the water and shift so I’m facing him. “I miss how easy it used to be between us. But everything has changed, and there’s no way to shift it back.” And even if I could, I don’t know that I’d want to. “I’ve missed this part of us.”
His expression softens, and everything I feel reflects back at me. Before he can respond, I continue. “I’m changing. I have changed, and sometimes I don’t know how to fit into my own skin anymore.” I swallow my fears and say the things I want to, because holding on to them is starting to be painful. “My dad’s family calls me Peggy, and the team and my hockey crew call me Hammer, which I get. It’s a reminder that I’m Hammerstein’s daughter, but neither of them feels like me. They’re parts of me, but they don’t feel authentic. I’ve always felt like Aurora. And maybe it’s silly, because it’s just a name. But Peggy was my great-grandma, who we all loved, but I don’t want to be an homage to someone else’s memory. I don’t want to be defined as the great-granddaughter carrying on a name, or as Hammerstein’s daughter. I just want to be me, and I want that to be enough.”
And when I’m with Hollis, that’s how I want to feel. Seen. Like the me I want to be matters.
His eyes are knowing as he absorbs my words. “Do you want me to call you Aurora?”
“Or Princess. You’re the only one who calls me that.” Secretly it makes me feel special, but I worry if I say so, he’ll stop. Especially now, with how uncertain everything feels. “It’s your turn to tell me something real and true.”
He rubs his bottom lip, eyes fixed across the room at the cityscape beyond the windows. “It’s hard for me to separate you now from the teenager you used to be. I know you’re not the same, that you’re not that girl anymore—not at all. But I feel like that’s supposed to be how I see you, and it’s fucking with my head.”
“I’m an adult. I have been for a while,” I say softly.
“I know. I’ve been trying not to notice for a while.” This time, his gaze lingers on my lips.
“I haven’t made it easy for you lately.” I bite the end of my fingernail.
“No, you really haven’t,” he agrees.
