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“My sweet girl, tell me what’s going on,” are her first words.
“Have you talked to Dad?”
“He called yesterday. I wanted to give you time, but I also want you to know I’m here for you, however you need me to be.”
I tip my chin up to the sky. It’s a beautiful spring day, but I can’t appreciate it. Not with how heavy my heart feels. “He’s so disappointed in me and that’s the last thing I ever wanted.”
“Oh sweetheart, he’s not disappointed in you, he’s disappointed in himself.” Mom sighs. “Tell me the real reason you hid this from him for so long.”
“He had to sacrifice everything for me,” I whisper.
She’s silent a moment, and when she speaks her voice is thick with emotion. “My poor baby, I’m so sorry I did this to your soft heart.”
“What are you talking about?” I push through the doors of my building and head for the elevator.
“I wanted to be the best mom for you, Aurora. Truly I did.”
“I know?—”
“Let me finish, sweetheart.” She takes a deep, shuddering breath. “I was not the best version of myself when you were young. And I wanted to be. I tried to be. But your dad, he was…so lost without you. And you, God, you were so lost without him. Every time I would pick you up and bring you home…you would just be so sad until the next time you saw him. He steadied you and you steadied him. He made you shine in a way I couldn’t.”
I want to argue, to disagree, but I remember how hard it was to leave him when I was little. How excited I would be for every visit and how crushed I was when they were over. The doors slide open, and I step inside, grateful it’s empty because I’m on the verge of tears. “I know you tried, though.” I push the button for my floor.
“Giving up custody of you was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life, Aurora. But I couldn’t bear to see you in pain every time you had to come home with me or leave another set of friends. I felt like I was breaking your heart all the time. Especially after your summers away. I kept taking you away from where you were happiest. It was the most painful thing I have ever done, but it was the right thing, for both of you. Roman could give you all the things I couldn’t. He could love you exactly how you needed to be loved. The sacrifice for him was letting me try for as long as he did. And I am so, so sorry that I couldn’t be the mom you needed then, but I hope that I can be the one you need now. I love you, my sweet girl. You are my most precious gift.”
“I love you. I don’t think I realized how much I needed to hear this.”
“You are such an old soul, sometimes I forget that you need the same reassurances as the rest of us.”
My dad is waiting outside my apartment when I step off the elevator. “Hi Dad,” my voice cracks with emotion.
“Talk to him. Be honest. I love you. I’m here when you need me.”
“Okay. I love you.”
“With all of my heart and more.”
I end the call.
“Zara?” Dad asks.
I nod, bottom lip already trembling.
He opens his arms.
I step into them. “I’m sorry I lied to you,” I mumble into his chest.
“I’m sorry I made it impossible for you to be honest with me.”
We stand there in the hallway for long minutes, me crying and him holding me. When I finally get control of my emotions I pull back.
“I can’t leave tomorrow morning without making sure you’re okay and having a conversation to make sure we’re okay,” he says. They have a two-game away series coming up.
“I might cry again,” I warn. But I don’t want him to get on a plane with this kind of tension between us either.
“I can handle tears better than silence,” he replies. He looks tired and worried. I did this to him. Upended his world. A bucket of shame isn’t big enough, maybe a lake would be better?
He pushes the elevator button and turns to face me. “How are you?”
