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The weight of the words rested on my shoulders, and my hands slid down the wall, callouses digging into the cheap paint. As I closed my eyes, the familiar scent of coconut swarmed around me. The gentle pressure of her hand slid down my spine before wrapping around my waist. When I didn’t move, she took that as a green light to keep going, and before I knew it, her other arm engulfed me. I dropped my forehead against the wall, my eyes glued to her hands clasped together at the top of my belt buckle. Her rings shone brightly. The visual prompted me run my thumb across my own wedding band as I swallowed hard.
We were supposed to be able to face anything together. For better or worse. In sickness or in health. But there were no vows about your child being taken because your wife was high as a kite.
I wanted her comfort. I wanted to take her in my arms and love her. I needed her warmth. But something inside wouldn’t let me. So, I stopped rubbing my ring, and disentangled her hold on me. Gently pushing her away, I saw her chin tremble out of the corner of my eye. She clasped her hands in front of her, pulling inward as if she were trying to make herself disappear. It tore me apart to see her like this, but I still couldn’t force myself to offer her comfort.
“What the hell are you doing?” Kristina whispered behind me.
“I can’t, Kristina. I know I’m wrong, but I can’t hide how I feel.”
She sighed. “Julian, you can’t isolate yourself.”
My eyes remained fixated on my beautiful, broken wife. “I love her,” I whispered. “But if she hadn’t been popping pills, maybe she’d have heard something and stopped it.”
Glancing up with new tears generated in horror, Phoebe ran to our bedroom and slammed the door.
Okay, maybe my tone wasn’t as hushed as I thought.
Kristina sighed again. “Or maybe they’d both be missing. Ever think of that?” Her words sliced me. “Turning on your only link to that little girl won’t bring her back. If anything, it’ll make you more miserable than you ever thought possible.” She walked away and slid onto a table chair, glaring at me before sinking her head in her hands.
