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The jealousy rising through my chest with a burn just seconds earlier is replaced by something different. Something very, very different.
This man.
That hand.
I’m thankful I don’t blush that easily.
I clear my throat. “Well, sexual deprivation as a form of punishing oneself is pretty common. You’ve previously expressed that you felt guilt when you went out on a date, that it felt wrong to be with another woman because you still felt married.”
“Which is fucked-up.” Gabriel shakes his head. “Sorry. Excuse my language. But it’s crazy to me that I could feel like that when our sex life had been pretty much nonexistent for a long time.”
I shift in my chair and open my notebook. “Let’s talk about that. You mentioned your wife had an affair. How long before she passed away did that occur?”
Gabriel scoffs. “Which one are we talking about?”
My heart squeezes. “Oh. I didn’t realize there was more than one.”
He looks away. “Why do people cheat?”
“That’s a very big question, with many answers.”
“Tell me some of them. The answers, I mean.”
We talk for a long time about the possible reasons people stray—commitment issues, revenge, emotional disconnect, unmet needs, low self-esteem, even simply falling out of love. When our conversation comes to a lull, I fold my hands.
“Do any of the reasons we’ve discussed feel like they might be the answer you’re looking for?”
“More than one, actually.” He sighs and smiles sadly. “But can we go back to this sexual-deprivation thing you mentioned? I wouldn’t have to do it intentionally for it to happen?”
I shake my head. “No, we do a lot of things to ourselves unconsciously as a form of punishment—self-sabotage, procrastination, alienating ourselves from others. There are many different types of deprivation that can be acts of self-punishment. The harder we discipline ourselves, the more we can ease whatever feelings of guilt we have.”
“It’s been nearly two years. I’d say my punishment was pretty severe.”
I smile and scribble a note on my pad.
“If I’m, you know, taking care of business myself again,” he continues, “does that mean my punishment is over? That I won’t feel like crap the next time a woman puts it out there that I should stay the night?”
“I don’t know that your mind deciding it’s time to ease up on your ability to feel pleasure alone is the same thing as your conscience giving you free rein to be with women.”
“Has enough time passed, though? How long are you supposed to wait?”
“There isn’t a set timeline for these things. Everyone is different. Only you know the answer to when you’re ready.”
Gabriel seems to think about that for a moment. Then he lifts his eyes to mine. “What about you? How long did it take you to get back in the saddle after your divorce?”
I smile. “I’ll have to let you know on that.”
Gabriel lets out a hearty laugh. “Well, at least it’s nice to know I’m not the only one depraved.”
I smile. “Deprived, not depraved.”
My eyes drop to his mouth. When the tip of his tongue peeks out and glides along his bottom lip, I feel it everywhere. Everywhere.
There’s a crackle in the air as my eyes lift and meet his. At least, there is for me. My heart slams against my ribs. My breaths grow shallow and rapid. Oh God. Maybe it’s just me? But I can’t seem to unlock my eyes from his. And then…
The buzzer goes off.
I’m not sure if I’m more relieved or more disappointed, but it effectively kills the moment, the one I’m still not sure whether I was alone in feeling.
