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“Unqualified therapy sessions on the couch that lead to other kind of sessions in the sheets,” I continue when he’s finished wiping his nose of soda and snot. I waggle my brows suggestively.
“You’re a dork,” he says thickly. “And I don’t get to be your unqualified therapist nearly enough for that label to apply.”
“We also haven’t had a proper other-kind-of session yet.” I bite down on my bottom lip. His eyes flick down to them, heat flooding his gaze like he wants to change that fact. He’s not the only one. “But there’s always time to change that.”
“Yeah, cuz there’s nothing sexier than when your damaged friend with benefits snorts up his soda.” He smiles wryly, covering his face with a hand.
“Or when she scarfs down a Double Meat cheeseburger in record time,” I add. “We’re both far beyond modesty at this point, but maybe that’s the point. We’ll have to do something to kill the attraction later.”
“What’s so bad about eating?” he asks without a single hint of sarcasm. His brows crease like he’s genuinely confused. I can’t contain my smile. When I shake my head, he lets it go and returns to the topic at hand. “You do know there’s nothing simple about our situation, don’t you? Forcing it to be simple isn’t a solution.”
“I know. But—”
“I can’t promise to never have feelings for you.” Whatever I was about to say dies in my throat as he continues. “All I can promise is to always be honest with you. So, here’s something I haven’t told you yet.”
Our eyes meet and lock across the table. I’m pulled into those indigo depths, frozen still.
“I like you. I like getting to know you, no matter how hard you make it. I like the way you force me to open up and that you still offered your friendship after witnessing two of the lowest points of my life. You’re a good person—a much better person than I can ever hope to be. You deserve so much better than a man who’s still pining over someone else, and when the day comes that you walk away from me for good, I’ll be cheering you on. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that you’ll find someone just as amazing as you one day. So, if all I am is a stop to you finding him, then I’m okay with that.”
I open my mouth, but no sound comes out. My heart is full to the brim, bursting at the seams with what can only end in heartbreak. I don’t feel like the person he’s describing. Not even close. Me, a better person than him? When I’m pining for his brother and lying to him by withholding the truth? I shake my head and look away from his eyes. In what world could that possibly be true? When I look back at him, he wears a soft smile, just for me. I return it, but I’m sure it comes out watery.
“You’re gonna find someone great, too,” I tell him, and no words I say to him could be truer than these. “Alice has no idea what she missed out on.”
He smiles sadly, looking down at his empty burger wrapper. There isn’t much left to say, so we head out. When he drops me off at my apartment, the air is thick with our silence. As much as I want to invite him inside and get a start on our other kind of sessions, I’m exhausted and gross feeling from spending the full day inside a car. My muscles are stiff, and my clothes are undoubtedly sweaty despite the blast of the air conditioner.
“Tomorrow?” I ask, heat in my gaze.
“Crap.” His eyes shut, and disappointment slumps both our shoulders. “I’m meeting with the movers tomorrow. Did I tell you I finally found an apartment here?”
“You did not. That’s amazing!” I jump up to hug him. “Next weekend?” I ask, raising a suggestive brow.
“Maybe sooner, if we can manage it.” His voice is low and husky.
He crosses the space between us, kissing me slowly. His hand rests at the nape of my neck, warming my skin chilled by the night air. When we pull apart, we linger in the space between our breaths.
“Goodnight, Marcela.”
Fifteen
On Tuesday morning, Ben texts asking if I’ve thought any more about what we discussed. It takes me a moment to remember what he’s talking about, and when I do, I roll my eyes. I stare at his message on my lock screen as I think about how to respond. No, I clearly haven’t thought much at all about what Ben said. And no, I don’t plan to stop seeing his brother just because he told me to. I end up leaving the notification on my phone in favor of getting ready for the day.
I’m stuck in the fiction shelves for most of the day, shelving books I through L. It’s work I haven’t done since I was an aide, but I don’t mind it. I need the solitary time to get my thoughts in order. Protective Ben is the closest I’ve ever gotten to a Jealous Ben. And for years, I’ve let him insert himself into my love life. All in hopes that one day, he’d tell me the real reason he thought those guys weren’t good enough was because he was the only one for me.
I always thought I walked a fine line between wishful thinking and delusional, but now I’m starting to think I was just straight-up delusional the entire time. I’m glad I’ve chosen to mostly keep my feelings for Ben to myself. I’d die of embarrassment if anyone, other than Angela, knew he was an actual, honest-to-God desire of mine.
But it’s good that I’m finally seeing these baseless desires for what they are. I’m on the verge of a turning point, and I suppose I have Theo’s magnetism to thank. There’s no thrill in Ben’s sudden agitation over me dating his brother, no rush of satisfaction to see him so on edge over who I’m seeing. It’s not an attractive look, and I can’t believe I ever thought differently.
On my lunch break, I catch Angela up on the Dallas trip in the uber-long Whataburger drive-thru line, leaving out a few minor details she doesn’t need to know. It’s not that she would judge me if I slept with Theo, but I’d rather she not know my most recent method for coping with my feelings for an engaged man. Feelings that are slowly but surely fading into dust.
She’s not surprised that Ben blatantly asked me to stop seeing his brother, but I’m still rattled by it. It’s clear to me now that I’ve always been quick to listen to Ben over myself, for better or worse. Now I wonder if my response would be any different if Theo and I actually were dating. Because I in no way plan on ending what Theo and I have before it can even begin.
Our conversation is interrupted by a call on my car’s Bluetooth screen. Alice’s name flashes like a warning sign. I’m tempted to hit ignore, but Angela says, “Go ahead.” She’s leaning eagerly in her seat, eyes locked on me in a way I don’t like at all. But I don’t have much of a choice.
“Hello?”
“Marcela, hey!” Alice’s voice chirps an octave higher than usual. I’ve been with her to enough sorority functions to recognize her damage-control voice. “Ben told me about this weekend. Seems like you and Theo are getting serious.”
I freeze for a moment, unsure what to say. Angela lifts a perfectly arched brow at me, as if wondering how deep a hole I’ve dug for myself.
