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“What does football have to do with it?” I ask. When he doesn’t answer, I try again. “Because of the way you left?”
I’m prying, but I can’t help myself. Between Alice and this new nugget of information, I’m more curious than I’ve ever been about what happened between them. But if Ben’s never told me the full story, what are the chances Theo will?
“Never mind,” I backtrack. “You don’t need to answer that.”
“It’s okay,” he says. “That’s part of it. My family is… a lot. I needed space from them, but I took it in unhealthy ways. Ignored them for longer than I should have, aside from my mom. She understood why I needed to get away from them more than anyone.”
You ran. It’s on the tip of my tongue to say, but I swallow the words and any judgment they might reveal. I can’t fault him for a past I wasn’t a part of, no matter what Ben has or hasn’t told me about it. His issues with his brother are his and his alone to deal with.
“Great. And I just remembered my dad needs his car back by Friday. Alice was supposed to drive me up to Dallas this weekend, but now…”
“I got you,” I say, resting a reassuring hand on his arm. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Thank you.” He breathes a sigh of relief. “That’s one thing off my plate. It’s all really happening now.” He looks out at the field again, and when I ask him if it’s all right for us to be here by ourselves, he says, “The stadium manager’s a good friend of mine. He lent me the keys so I could have a moment alone up here. Get some perspective on where I started.”
“And did you? Get some perspective?”
He’s silent for a moment, eyes contemplative. “I’m not sure yet.”
I wonder if he’s thinking of Alice, of the friendship they had in high school. Of the moment he knew, undoubtedly, that she was the only one for him. Of the moment he knew he’d lost her forever.
“You can talk about her to me, you know. Alice. There are no feelings between us, so you don’t have to be scared I’ll get jealous or anything. I’m a good listener if you need one.”
“How’d you know I was thinking about her?” He looks vaguely surprised.
“You said you guys grew up together. I assume that includes high school,” I remind him. “She was a cheerleader, wasn’t she? You must’ve seen her a lot on this field.”
I remember her saying as much, because Ben was also on the football team. It’s easy for me to imagine the three of them here in their assigned roles, completely oblivious to how their lives would turn out in the years to come. What a chaotic, jumbled mess it would be.
“Yeah.” He laughs humorlessly. “Yeah, we saw a lot of each other on this field. Spent every lunch of junior year together. She was my best friend, for a time.”
“Who’s your best friend now?” I ask, knowing I’d be nowhere without Angela. When he shrugs, my heart breaks a little for him. He doesn’t meet my eyes. His shoulders slump forward in exhaustion. “Is that why you seem so lonely?”
“Let’s talk about you,” he says suddenly, pulling away from me and shifting until his body is turned toward me. I turn too, until we’re sitting cross-legged in front of each other. “We spend way more time talking about me when we’re together, and I don’t like it.” His voice is teasing, but there’s a noticeable edge to it. He still can’t quite meet my eyes.
“Okay,” I say, playing along if only to appease him, though I am a little scared now that the attention is being turned on me. “What do you want to know?”
“Why the sudden need for a fling? Is there someone you’re trying to get over, too?” I immediately look away from him. When I chance a glance back, he’s smirking to himself. “Not so fun being the vulnerable one, is it?”
“Touché,” I say, relenting, but there’s a hint of bitterness in my voice. Because he’s just given me the perfect opening to confess my feelings for Ben, and I don’t want it. Maybe it’s unfair of me to keep it from him when he’s shared so much with me, but…
The last person I should be going after is someone in love with my brother.
Would he call the whole thing off if he knew the truth?
It doesn’t mean anything, I tell myself. We’re just casual. There’s no trust between us, no loyalty. He’s not going after me the same way he was going after Alice when he nearly confessed his love for her. It’s not the same thing, so what does it matter if he knows the truth or not?
Omitting a name isn’t lying, and that’s all I’m really doing. “Okay, fine. You’re right. There is someone.” I take in a breath. “He’s… a friend from college. We went on a couple dates before deciding we were better as friends. Maybe I thought that was true at the time, but after breaking up we spent virtually every day together. I fell for him without even realizing it. Not until he started going out with other girls and talking to me about them. That was a gut punch I never expected.”
What I don’t say is there was only one girl after me. Alice. But everything else is completely true.
“Yeah, I know how much that can hurt,” he says. “It’s even worse when the person they like better is related to you. Believe me.”
“I’m sure you’re right. But… I don’t know.” I take another breath to gather my thoughts, thinking of every time Ben inserted himself into my relationships. No guy was ever good enough for me, and every mistake they made was a deal-breaker. He said he wished I could see what he saw in me, so I’d know exactly what kind of person I deserved. But as time went on, the more impossible that standard became. I’ve dated my share of shitty guys, but I can also admit there are plenty I never gave a fair shot.
“I was so blindsided by the breakup. I thought we were on the same page, but maybe I just misinterpreted our whole relationship.”
“Or maybe he led you on the entire time,” he says. “Guys are idiots. We do that sometimes, when we don’t know what we really want. Or when we realize it too late.”
