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“Yup. It was nice,” I say, because I’m not sure how to play this. There isn’t much about my dating life I’ve held back from him, but this feels different, and not just because of the lie Theo and I are perpetuating. There are so many levels of awkward I’m treading here: dating his brother years after dating him, their silent feud, that he’s the reason why I need this rebound in the first place. More importantly, that he can’t know how much I need this rebound to work to stay friends with him. I don’t want to lose him. He can’t see it, but this is the only way I can save our friendship in the long run.
“He’s a sweet guy,” I continue, needing to fill the stark silence between us. “He said he’s looking for coaching positions in town. And if that means he’s staying, then maybe…” I trail off, because the look in Ben’s eyes catches me off guard.
“Marcela, we’ve been friends for years so I’m just going to say it.” He reaches out for my hand, and all my feelings come rushing to the forefront. Our fingers intertwine in that way that feels like cheating, but I’ve never had the heart to tell him so. He’d probably just tell me I’m overthinking it. And maybe I am.
“My brother is not the guy for you.”
I resist the urge to roll my eyes. Is that meant to be some sort of revelation?
“Believe me, I know. His reputation, blah, blah, blah.” I pull my hand from his to take a sip of my cider. “And that’s not really what I’m looking for with him. You have to admit, if I’m gonna have a fling with anyone, your brother is kind of perfect.”
“Sure, yeah, for any other random girl at a bar on a Monday night, but we’re talking about you,” he bursts out, frustration coloring his tone. “You don’t know him the way I do. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”
I figured his protective side might come out tonight, but I didn’t expect this kind of reaction from him. Even considering their feud, I never expected him to be so against me hooking up with his brother that he’d outright say so.
“I know you guys have your issues, but do you really think he’s that bad?” I ask him. “Is that what this is about?”
“No, Marcela. This isn’t about that.” He takes my hand again and squeezes it, looking into my eyes. I try not to lose myself in the hazel glow of his. “I just know how he is with women. Please don’t do this, Marcela. I’m worried about you.”
“You don’t need to be. I can take care of myself.” I get up from the couch to put some much-needed distance between us. I don’t like the way his touch makes me feel, when those feelings should be reserved for literally anyone else. When he thinks they’re reserved for Theo now, because he’s completely oblivious to the truth I’ve hid from him for years. “Whatever you’re worried about, you shouldn’t be. No one’s getting hurt here.”
He’s about to say something when his phone rings. His brows furrow when he looks down at the screen. “It’s Alice. Give me a minute.”
He walks into the kitchen to take the call, his head disappearing behind the half wall. Because I have no shame, I cross my arms over my chest and lean my head back, prime eavesdropping position. I pull out my phone and pretend to scroll down the home screen.
“No, yeah, I’m sorry, babe. I’m still at work.” My brows crease together. Why is he lying to Alice? “I’ll be home as soon as I can. Love you, too.”
I rush back to the end of the couch, a neutral expression settling on my face. When he returns, he grabs his jacket from the armrest. “Sorry, I have to go. But please.” He meets my eyes with a grave expression. “Think about what I said.”
“Okay.” I nod. It should concern me that every lie out of my mouth comes out easier than the last. “I will.”
“Good.” He walks out the door. The guilt is overwhelming and intrusive, but even more intrusive is the gratification of seeing him so on edge because I’m seeing someone else. I don’t fool myself into believing it’s actually jealousy, but my imagination can twist almost nothing into a whole relationship. He even lied to Alice about where he was.
I knew I shouldn’t have said he could come over.
This is bad. We haven’t crossed a line physically, but I’m not sure I can say that’s true when my hand still feels warm from where he touched it. The concern in his eyes made me want to fess up to the whole ruse in its entirety, assure him that I’d never do anything to hurt him. I know how much his brother affects him. If I wanted to hurt Ben in any way, test the limitations of his protectiveness that feels a bit too much like jealousy, making him think I’m dating his brother is the perfect way. But is that really what I want?
Theo. Think of Theo.
My perfect distraction. When my eyes close, I imagine looking into his. Twin storms. Glittering cerulean when he’s showing off his genuine smile. Near black when my hands travel down his body. His warm hands on my waist, locking me in place before teasing the hem of my shirt. Mouths clashing together, the taste of him still on my lips.
Then I remember what he said this morning, his mouth curled up in that wicked grin of his.
Text me when he leaves.
Eleven
I’m at CVS when Theo texts back, asking me to meet him at the Northside Football Stadium. I frown down at the message, not exactly picturing the night outside my bedroom. The box of condoms in my other hand stares up at me accusingly, as if to ask What’s the holdup, lady? I shake my head and buy them at self-checkout anyway. The night could still take us back to my apartment.
At the stadium, I find him sitting at the top of the bleachers. Thank god the stadium lights are still on, or I’d be looking for him all night. The wide field is deserted, as are the stands when I arrive. He’s staring out at the turf, blue eyes glittering with longing. I wonder if he has any regrets about the way his life turned out. If he wishes he could go back and do any of it differently.
He spots me when I’m halfway up the bleachers, mouth turned up in a grin. He has an assortment of smiles depending on the occasion, I’ve come to realize. This one reaches his eyes; they crinkle at the corners and brighten with affection. His friendly smile, foil to the toe-curling one he showed me this morning.
I settle next to him, and he wraps an arm around my shoulders. His warmth seeps into me, combating the early autumn chill in the air. It’s that time of year when the days are still scorching, but the nights are beginning to cool. My head leans against his chest as I look out at the vast football field.
“How ’bout that view?”
“Yeah.” He chuckles softly, his breath warm on the top of my head. “You never forget your first stadium game. The lights, the crowd. It was a whole new world. Ben and I used to sneak in here all the time in middle school. We couldn’t even run one lap around the field without getting out of breath.”
