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I’d meant it as a joke, but it fell flat and hard like a stack of newspapers dropped from a great height. My fears were like the pages scattering, half-torn, in every direction. I scrambled to grab them back. “Sorry. Sorry. Stupid joke.”
His expression softened. It was still full of enamored patience, but now it was tinged with pity. I wasn’t sure if it was pity for me or for himself. Either way, it grated.
“You’re right. We should go,” I said quickly, focusing on the stupid buttons and studs. My fingers accidentally scattered two of the studs on the lush bedroom carpet, and I dropped to my hands and knees to find them.
I could feel Hugh’s eyes on my ass before he spoke. “Maybe a quickie is a good idea after all,” he said with a teasing smile in his voice. “You make a compelling argument.”
My hands shook as I reached for one of the studs. There was no way I’d be able to get naked and vulnerable with him right now without revealing feelings I needed desperately to keep inside.
“No, you’re right. Family photos. I don’t want to let anyone down.” Hugh’s admonishment to me to let my family in, to accept their love, had hit me right in the gut. He was right… but then again, he usually was about things like family and love.
I’d tried to take his advice to heart and treat the Flower Family like, well, like my own.
It wasn’t easy. But I was making an effort.
I stood up and pulled the bow tie out of my drawer and handed it to him. He looked from the drawer to the tie and back to me but didn’t ask any questions. In fact, Hugh was surprisingly chill, considering tonight was our final night as boyfriends.
He was supposed to be the devastated one, and I was supposed to be the one who was fine with it, the one who would relish getting my solo status back.
“Um, I…” I felt like I couldn’t get enough air in my lungs, so I paused to take in an extra breath. “Lesya booked me a trip to Wyoming.”
He focused on his image in the mirror over my dresser while he flipped one end of the silk tie over the other. “You going to see Boone and Richard?”
I swallowed. “Yeah. I’m, ah… I’m going to go next week. Stay for a bit.”
A muscle ticked in Hugh’s jaw, but otherwise, he didn’t seem bothered by my announcement. “Oh. Great. That’ll be nice. I’m sure they’ll enjoy seeing you.”
“You… you’re…” I didn’t even know what I was asking. Why did he sound so cool with it? I was leaving him. It was my way of making sure we actually ended this thing. Otherwise, I’d stick around and delay the inevitable end. “Yeah.”
“Rafa mentioned going away for a long weekend in January too. I think I might take him up on it. Go somewhere warm though. I’m not sure Wyoming in the middle of winter sounds all that appealing.”
I pictured Hugh and his beautiful roommate wearing nothing but tiny swimsuits, lying stretched out and sun-lit on a beachside chaise. There would be steel drum band music and fruity cocktails. If I knew Rafa, there would also be a never-ending supply of Grindr hookups nearby.
“Great,” I said, not meaning it at all.
When we were both fully dressed, we made our way to the event barn at the back of the property. Birch and the rest of the siblings, with the exception of Hyacinth, were gathered with the photographer over by a snowy split-rail fence. Sage waved me over. “There he is. About damned time.”
“I’m not late,” I grumbled, pulling Hugh by the hand. When his hand slipped out of mine, I turned back to see what had happened.
“I’m going to see if I can help with the setup inside,” he said softly.
“But the pictures…”
He reached out to straighten my bowtie. “The pictures are for family. Go be part of the family, Oscar.”
I wanted to argue, to keep him with me. To put him front and center in every single photograph so I could never forget that, once upon a time, for the briefest instant, Hugh had almost been mine.
But he was right again, of course. Hugh wasn’t mine. I couldn’t keep him, even if I wanted to. I shouldn’t give either of us false hope about that.
I ignored the stab of pain just below my breastbone. “Save me a seat?”
Like before, Hugh pressed a long kiss to my cheek, just in front of my ear. “Take a deep breath and remember this is a joyful celebration. Give your sister the gift of your handsome smile in the pictures, okay? Have mercy on the poor photographer.”
His voice was full of repressed humor. I already knew he thought I appeared scowly in wedding photos, and I’d tried explaining it was because weddings were the opposite of my favorite.
Hugh pulled back and smirked at me. “You’re not in the dentist’s chair.”
That was enough to bring a smile to my face, not because of the joke but because he was just my fucking favorite person to look at. I leaned in again and kissed him on the lips, taking every opportunity to imprint his taste on my tongue.
