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I’m not sure when she wrote these letters, but it’s clear she wrote them at some point when she knew she wasn’t going to make it.
I wipe my eyes, take a deep breath, and read her words.
Logan,
I’m assuming if you’re reading this, I’m gone. And I can’t tell you how sorry I am for that, baby. No one deserves to lose their mother at your age, but I can promise you that I fought and tried for you. I also want you to know that I’m not afraid of dying. I’ll be okay. I’ll get to see your father again, which I can’t express to you how happy that makes me. But I don’t want to leave you.
I’ve been working on these letters for about a week now. We just got home from our third stay at the hospital, so I’m told. Things have definitely been hazy for me, but I began writing these when I started to feel a bit of clarity.
At this point, I know I’m not going to make it. You’re having a hard time admitting that right now, but I think you know it too. When your dad passed, I know there were so many things he wished he could’ve said to you but never got the chance. I don’t want that to be the case for us, so I decided to write these letters, so you have my words during the most important times in your life, and I’ll speak on your dad’s behalf too.
I want nothing more than to be there with you when you graduate college, get married, or become a mom yourself. It hurts my heart so much that I won’t be by your side, but I hope my words can fill the void in some capacity.
Although, I must say I’ve been having a hard time writing these. How do you write everything you feel for the one you love the most? I think it might be impossible, but I’m going to try my best.
First of all, I need you to know how immensely proud your dad and I are of you. I never dreamed that my daughter would become such a strong, smart, and self-sufficient woman. You’ve taught me so much in the twenty-one years I’ve been blessed to be your mom. The biggest thing I’ve learned is that a mother’s love knows no bounds. I didn’t know my heart had the capacity to hold so much love until you came into my life.
When I found out I was pregnant, I couldn’t have been more excited. I always wanted to be a mom. But when I found out you were a girl, I can’t even explain to you the feeling I had. I think I bought every pink frilly dress I laid my eyes on because I was so excited to have the girly girl daughter I always imagined I would.
The joke was on me, right?
I’ll never forget the day you came home after ballet class when you were four years old. Your pink tutu and tights were covered in mud because the neighbor boys were digging holes, and you thought that sounded fun. When you came inside to change out of your dirty leotard, you asked if you could stop going to dance and start playing basketball.
Part of me was heartbroken for the delicate little girl I had envisioned in my head, but your dad and I were always adamant about letting you be the person you wanted to be. So that next week, we signed you up for a local basketball team.
Logan, let me tell you, that was the best choice you could’ve made. I remember watching you that first day at practice with a giant smile on your face. You were so much happier that day than any day you were at ballet. Of course, you were the only girl on the team, but that never bothered you. You were amazing, and you had found your thing.
I still had my sweet girl, but she was tough and strong too.
Now that we have the past out of the way, I want to talk about the present. The rest of these letters will address your future, but I want to talk about right now.
I know the pain you’re in right now. I see it, and I feel it for you. You never deserved this, baby. You never deserved to lose your dad when you did, and you sure don’t deserve to have the responsibility of me on your shoulders. I wish you didn’t have the burden of my life on you, Logan. You’re too young and pure to have to deal with these life choices right now.
Part of me wishes I would’ve stopped you from donating your kidney to me. And not because it didn’t work, but because I don’t want my health ever to affect yours. Though, I’m sure even if I told you no, you still would’ve done it. You get your stubbornness from me, at least that’s what your father always said.
When I’m fully aware, and my mind is clear, I see your struggles. I see your sadness, but I also see your strength. I don’t think I’ve ever met another twenty-one-year-old that could handle what life has thrown your way. You’re so strong, Logan. Stronger than I ever was, and you impress me every day.
I want to thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I know you put your life on hold to take care of me, and that’s something I could never repay. You’re an amazing daughter, and you’re going to make the most incredible mother one day. You have the most selfless heart with a tough as nails attitude that will take you such a long way in life.
As much as I wish I were next to you right now, I’ll always be watching and loving you from where I am.
When it’s my time, I’m assuming you’re going to have a lot of tough decisions to make, but you’re more than capable of making them. And I trust you. I hope you know that. I pray with all my heart that when I’m gone, you let me go and you live the life that you’ve been missing out on. You deserve to be happy, Logan. You’ve done so much for me, and it’s your time to be selfish now.
I hope you travel. I hope you fall in love. I hope you live your life to the fullest because the world deserves to know you, baby. You’re good and capable and what I strive to be.
If you’ve been sad because I’m gone, don’t be. I’m in a better place, and it was my time to go. I hope you can let go of these challenging years and move on with your life. It’s time to start taking care of yourself.
There aren’t enough words to tell you how much I love you, my sweet girl. But I hope the rest of these letters can continue to remind you throughout the years.
Remember- don’t let boys be mean to you, drink plenty of water, and follow your heart. It’s a good one.
Love you always,
Mom
I suck in a deep breath as the tears continue to leave black marks on the page, thanks to my running mascara. Looking up towards the ceiling, I lean my head back on my wall, trying to stop the tears from falling, but it’s no use. They’re not stopping.
I’m not sad. I’m overwhelmed.
