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“Because it was too hard to stay in my room at the hockey house when you were gone.”
“Why?”
I exhale a heavy sigh. “Because every time I walk into that room, I think about the morning that you told me you loved me for the first time, and I didn’t want to be reminded of that when I wasn’t sure if you were coming back to me.”
Logan remains silent on the other end before her voice breaks. “Eli, I’m so sorry.”
“I know, baby, but I don’t want you to feel bad. That’s why I didn’t want to tell you.”
“But I do feel bad.”
“Please don’t, Logan. You were and are going through so much. It was just my way of coping with things.”
“But you could move back in now,” Logan suggests. “We’re good, right?”
“Yes, of course, we are. I’ll move back in eventually.”
I’m not sure how to tell her that I can’t sleep there without her. I don’t want her to feel pressured to get back to ‘normal’ for me. I know she’s working on it. I can see an improvement in her every day. Regardless, I don’t want to move back into the hockey house until we’re back to us. That way, I’ll know she’ll be next to me the nights I sleep there.
“Your birthday is coming up,” Logan reminds me. “Is there something in particular you want?”
“You can’t buy what I want.”
Her cute laugh comes through the line. “Oh, yeah. Birthday sex. How could I forget?”
“No,” I correct. “I just want you to feel like yourself again. That’s all I want.”
“I think I’m getting there.”
“I think you are too, Logan. But birthday sex is a close second, just FYI.”
“Noted,” she laughs.
“Really, babe. When you feel back to yourself again, you can jump me anytime, anywhere. You have my permission.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
Chapter 15
Logan
In the time that I’ve been home from California, I’ve settled back into my routine. I make sure to get a workout in every day that I can, clearing my mind a bit more each time. School is in full swing, and the first week of classes is under my belt. Marc and Ali treat me as if nothing happened, which is exactly what I want and need.
The one person I should be talking through everything with is Eli, which is why I’m assuming Marc hasn’t brought up anything about my mom. The conversation on the phone the other night between me and Eli was oddly therapeutic and made me feel exponentially lighter afterward.
I’m still sad, obviously, but I don’t feel like I’m drowning anymore.
I’ve never had a support system before, which is why I was so adamant about getting through this on my own. I didn’t know how to ask for help. But now that I know what it feels like to have people in my corner, I’m not sure how I got through life before.
Eli giving me the room to heal on my own is probably one of the most selfless things he could’ve done. Only because I know how much he wants to help. But him allowing me to get through this for myself, while he holds my hand through it all, is precisely what I needed.
I didn’t realize it could be both. I didn’t realize I could be strong and handle this while also allowing Eli to support me through it.
But now I know.
I’ve missed him like crazy this week, but at the same time, it’s nothing compared to those three weeks I spent back in California. At least this time we’ve been apart, we’ve been consciously communicating and working on ourselves instead of drowning in hurt due to the distance I caused.
I’ve actively been trying to view myself as the person Eli sees me as. The person I genuinely am. And each day since I’ve been home, I’ve felt more and more like myself again.
