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“Well, first off,” Eli begins, “let me start by saying that you and I not being together, in a relationship, is not an option. So, I’m going to take that off the table right now.”
“I know, baby. We’re on the same page with that.”
Eli moves the pizza box out of the way before scooting over to sit right next to me, his arm swinging around my shoulders.
“Our first priority is getting you back to feeling like yourself.” He leans his head on mine. “I want you to keep working through this loss you’re dealing with. I know you’re overwhelmed between that and school and stressing about us and our future, but I want to take our future off the table.”
“What?” My head snaps up to look at him, thoroughly confused by the last part of his statement.
“Fuck. That’s not what I meant. I swear to god I practiced this speech like a hundred times today, and I still fucked it up.” He nervously laughs. “What I meant to say is I don’t want you to stress about our future. You and I are good. There’s no question about that. I want you to be able to focus on this grieving process you’re in the middle of. Don’t worry about me.”
I look up and smile at him, grateful for his understanding and patience with me.
Eli takes a deep breath before continuing. “I need to say something and get it off my chest, okay?”
I nervously agree.
“When you said you wanted to grieve alone, I was so fucking frustrated with you because all I wanted was to be the one to take care of you and to get you through it. I wanted you to depend on me the way I do you.”
“I do depend on you, Eli.”
He places his head against mine as he pulls me in closer with his arm draped over my shoulders.
“Not in the way I’m referring to, and that’s okay. I need you to remember how fucking strong you are, Logan. I think that if you start seeing yourself that way again, you’ll start to feel like yourself again.
“If you were any other person, I would never suggest this, but you’re you, and you’re a fucking badass. And I need you to realize that you can do this. You can get yourself through this. I’ve been so in my head, searching for a way to save you from all this sadness you’re experiencing, but the truth is, you’re not some damsel in distress that needs to be rescued. You don’t need some hero to come and sweep you off your feet and make everything okay because you’re your own fucking hero. So, I’m going to stop kidding myself, thinking that I can save you, and instead, I’m going to be your biggest cheerleader as you get yourself through this.”
My eyes can’t help but sting with tears at Eli’s words, but I refuse to let them fall. Today is the first day that I haven’t cried in a month, and I’m not going to start now, even though these tears are vastly different than the ones that I’ve been shedding in grief.
This man. This beautiful man knows me to my core. This is exactly what I needed to hear, and I didn’t even realize it until he said it.
“I fucking love you. You know that?” I repeat Eli’s earlier words as I lean my head against his shoulder.
“I know. I’m pretty fucking great,” my arrogant boy confirms.
“So, what does that mean for us?”
“I’m going to give you some space,” he shockingly admits. “I mean, barely. We don’t even need to call it space. I’m just going to consciously give you the room to start feeling like the independent woman that you are. Basically, I’m going to try not to smother the shit out of you, as tempting as that sounds. I’m going to let you feel what you need to feel. But when you’re ready to talk, I need to be the one you let in. That’s about as much compromising as I can do here.”
I look up, giving him an extremely skeptical glance. Because that’s what I am. I’m shocked that the word ‘space’ just came out of Eli James Maddison’s mouth.
“Trust me,” he laughs. “I’m even surprising myself here. I would love for you to depend on me for the rest of your life. I want nothing more than to take care of you, but that’s not you, and that’s never going to be you. And I need you to be the best version of yourself because that will ultimately make the best version of us. And we are going to need to be at our strongest if there’s going to be a potential thousand-mile distance between us when I move.
“I have quite a bit of travel coming up for hockey, and I’m honestly scared shitless to leave you again, Logan. After everything that happened last time, I don’t even want to go on the road.”
“I know.” I don’t attempt to convince him to feel differently. Even though I do feel better now than I did the last time he was traveling, that doesn’t mean his fears aren’t valid.
“I need you to make me a promise,” he continues. “I’m only going if you start communicating with me. You can’t keep me in the dark the way you did last time. When you’re feeling shitty, I need you to call and tell me so we can talk about it. I don’t want you hiding away and suffering in silence. That’s not the healthy type of space I’m referring to. When you’re ready to talk, I need you to let me in.”
“I will. I promise I will.” After a moment of comfortable silence, I fill the void. “Maybe we can use this as a test run?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I obviously need to work on communicating my feelings, especially if you’re going to be living in Dallas. Maybe this will be good practice for us. See if we can do it.”
Eli’s lips tug up just slightly, giving me a shy smile. Clearly, he’s happy that I’m open to the idea of doing long-distance with him, when just a month ago, I was so adamantly against it. I guess that’s what happens when you spend the worst three weeks of your life alone. You realize you can’t be without the other person.
“I like that,” he admits.
