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“Are you okay?” Concern is evident on her face, and it’s pretty obvious why. I know I look terrible from the lack of sleep and the worry that’s been coursing through me, but also, I can feel my eyes bugged out as I stare at the evidence of the accident that’s peppered across Logan’s face.
I haven’t seen her since last week, and I almost forgot about the impact of the crash on her body. I’ve been too focused on the fact that we lost the pregnancy and worrying about how Logan is handling it, mentally.
I can’t respond with words because the guilt is heavy in my throat, keeping me from speaking, so I just nod instead.
But because Logan knows me, she asks, “What’s wrong?”
I shake my head to tell her nothing as I try to swallow down the emotions before they begin coming out in a different way.
“Are you feeling anxious about the game?”
“Yeah,” I lie.
I couldn’t give two shits about hockey right now. The only thing I can focus on is how beat up Logan looks and how guilty I feel for not being there. How much responsibility I feel for that night. How she’s hurting, and I’m hurting, but we are apart because of me.
“Eli, you’ve got this. You’ve been looking forward to this day for your entire life. You’re there for a reason, and it’s because you’re great, so go show that.”
“Logan, are you okay?” I ask with a cracked voice, unable to stop myself.
Her brows furrow in confusion before softening. “Eli, please tell me you’re not worrying about me right now.”
I shrug my shoulders, averting my gaze from hers.
“Baby, I’m fine,” she says with conviction. “I promise.”
My eyes fall to the cut on her forehead again.
“Are you okay?” she asks. This time her question has nothing to do with hockey and everything to do with how I’m handling what happened last week.
“No,” I quietly admit.
“Eli,” Logan softly sighs. “I hate that you’re feeling this way today. You should be celebrating.”
“I can’t help it. I want to come home.”
Instead of the sympathetic, ‘I know,’ I thought I would get, Logan challenges me.
“Why?”
Why? Because I love you. Because I can’t eat, sleep, or breathe without you. Because I’ve been racked with guilt from the accident, and the only thing that will ease the liability I feel is being next to you and making sure that you’re okay. Because I’m sad that you’re no longer pregnant with our child, and I feel solely responsible for that. Because the only person who can take away all the hurt and panic is you, and you’re in Minnesota. So that’s why I want to come home. And by home, I mean you.
“Because I need you,” is all I can manage to say. “All I want is to be with you.”
“Do you want to know what I want?”
I can feel the sad expression coating my face as I look at her through the phone.
“I want you to not think about me. I want you to trust that I’m okay. I want you to go out and play the way you know how to play because what I want the very most in life is for your dreams to come true. You need to put me and the accident out of your mind for a while so you can play and get the contract that you deserve.
“I promise you that everything will be okay,” she continues. “I’ll be okay, you’ll be okay, and the hurt will stop eventually. But, baby, hockey is on a time clock, and you need to make it happen now.”
“Okay,” I quietly say, knowing she’s right but wishing she would tell me that I could come home.
“Hey, Eli?”
“Hmm?” My eyes once again wander across her pretty face, still distracted by the impact of the accident.
“I love you so much.”
