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“Play well.” I run a finger over his tattoos, tracing the delicate lines and trying to memorize them all for when he leaves me.
We continue to lie there, my head on his chest, his hand stroking my matted hair. We both stay silent as we sit in our sadness together. The grief we’re both going to have to tackle due to the loss of this child, the pain it’s going to cause, having to go through it without the other person around, is all filling this tiny hospital room, reminding us that it’s not going to be easy.
Eli is completely silent, but every so often, he lifts his hand to wipe at his face as new tears roll down his cheeks. I don’t look at him. I keep my head on his chest, allowing him to feel what he needs to feel.
I’ve been through the lows of despair. I know the nasty toll it can take on your mind. I only hope that this is easier on him than it was on me.
Even though this child was just an idea that we held and not a physical person we knew yet, it was Eli’s dream to be a dad. And he just lost that opportunity.
But if I can give him a little hope, just a sliver of optimism for our future. To let him know that we are on the same page. That the things we want most in life now align, I will.
“Eli?”
“Yeah, baby?” He sniffles.
I take a deep breath, hoping this is enough to give him some light for our future. “I’m going to make you a dad one day.”
Eli’s entire body heaves below me as he releases a strangled breath, a soft whimper leaving his lips.
“I’m gonna hold you to that.” His voice is laced with hope and need all at the same time.
Chapter 47
Eli
Once Logan is fast asleep again, I silently hold her for quite some time, needing to soak in every minute I can get with her before I have to leave again. But eventually, I ease my way out of her bed with caution, trying not to disturb her.
At the door of her room, I turn back and give one last longing look at the beautiful and bruised girl with the dark red hair fast asleep, thankful that she’s somewhat okay.
I duck out into the hall, slowly closing her door behind me before I lean on the back of it and drop my head down.
Logan took the news better than I thought she would. Better than me. Or at least she faked it well for my own accord.
I shouldn’t be all that surprised. She’s gone through hell and back multiple times in her life. What’s another trip?
Whereas I have never experienced the kind of pain and sadness that is coursing through my body right now, and I don’t know if it’ll ever go away. It feels permanent, almost as permanent as the ink etched into my arm, and I don’t know what it’ll take for it to stop hurting.
How can something that was solely a daydream and a hope hurt this badly now that it’s been stripped away? I only knew about the possibility of our child for a matter of hours before it was taken away from me, but that short amount of time has stained my soul already.
“Hey, man.” Marc cautiously walks in my direction.
He holds his arms open for me as I push off the door to return my brother’s embrace.
No one else knows that Logan lost the baby, and now I’m responsible for breaking the news a few more times.
“What did the doctor say?” Worry coats his features. “I was sleeping when he came by earlier.”
“Logan is okay. She has a broken leg and a concussion. The surgery went well, though, and she’ll be alright.”
Marc takes a breath of relief as he keeps his gaze on me, waiting for me to elaborate. Though all our first priority is Logan, we both know the question that he’s silently asking.
“They didn’t find a heartbeat,” is all I can say.
My eyes are so dry from the number of tears that have been shed that even though my body aches as the words leave my mouth, there’s no physical show of the hurt I’m experiencing right now. My expression is blank and void.
“Fuck,” Marc exhales, his head dropping down. “I’m so sorry, EJ.”
Once again, I have no words left to give him, and all my emotions have been exhausted.
