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“Well, guess what, Logan. It did happen! And it’s the best goddamn thing that’s ever happened to either of us! You know it. I know it. Everyone fucking knows it!”
“I was supposed to move here and become this selfish person. Think only about myself for once. That was the point of me coming to school here,” she adds as if she didn’t even hear me.
She pulls her gaze away from me as she continues to break my heart. I swallow hard, trying to keep my emotions back.
“Selfish is the last word I would use to describe you, Logan. And you don’t have to be selfish when you have someone else looking out for you. You made me realize that this year.”
Her gaze meets mine momentarily, so I continue. “I used to only think about myself, and I never realized how lonely that was. But when I met you, I knew I couldn’t be selfish anymore, and I didn’t want to be. Because you always had my back, you always had my best interests at heart the same way I have yours. It wasn’t just me anymore, the same way it’s not just you.”
Logan’s tears begin to fall again as I walk over to her and wrap her up in my embrace, and this time she thankfully doesn’t fight it. “I’m always going to look out for you, baby. I’m always going to protect you and take care of you. You’re not alone anymore,” I desperately remind her. “I need you the same way you need me.”
“You can’t need me,” she quietly says into my chest.
“Why not?”
“Because I can’t take care of you. I can’t take care of anyone. I can’t even take care of myself. Look at me.” Logan pulls away from my chest, locking her gaze with mine. “I’m a mess.”
I am looking at her. I’m always looking at her. She’s the most beautiful and best thing in my world. I’ve never taken my eyes off of her. Even if she thinks she’s different now because of the pain she’s going through, it doesn’t change the fact that she is and always will be the girl I’m desperately in love with.
“I have to go back to California,” she says.
“What?”
“I have a storage unit there. I have to clear it out by the end of the year. I just got a call about it earlier this week.” Logan wipes at her face again, trying to keep herself composed.
“I’ll go with you,” I plead.
Logan shakes her head. “You can’t. I have to do this alone.”
There’s that word again—alone. But she’s not alone. She’s never going to be alone again. Why doesn’t she see that?
I release an exhausted breath and start pacing around the room. “Please stop, Logan. Stop being such a fucking martyr all the time. You think you’re this burden to everyone around you, but you’re not!” I yell. I can’t help it, I’m angry and hurt right now.
“You’re mad at me,” she states in a sad and quiet tone.
“You’re damn right I’m mad at you!” I shout, trying to keep the tears from welling up and falling down my cheeks. “But only because I fucking love you, and you’re always trying to save everyone. Why can’t you let someone save you for once?”
She stays quiet. I already know my stubborn girl isn’t going to give in on this one, and I don’t know how to change her mind. She’s leaving me. She’s afraid that I’m going to leave her, but here she is, leaving me.
“Is there anything I can do or say to change your mind and convince you to stay?” I gently ask. “To stay here with me?”
She averts her eyes from mine before lightly shaking her head to tell me no. I close my eyes and let out a defeated sigh.
“Do you realize how mad at me you’d be if the roles were reversed and I was pulling away from you? I’m trying not to take this personally, but I can’t help it.”
“I’m not trying to hurt you,” she protests. “I’m trying to protect you.”
“Protect me from what?” I ask with wide eyes and a raised voice.
“Me! This! The thoughts that are in my head right now. The grief that is literally consuming my entire body. I’m sad and dark and broken, and I don’t want this for you. You’re too good to feel what I’m feeling.”
“Well, guess what? I’m feeling it regardless! Everything you feel, I feel. I know your heart is broken right now, Logan, but you’re breaking my heart too.”
“I’m not trying to,” she whispers through a cry, which shatters my heart even more. “That storage unit has all my parents’ things in it, and I need to start dealing with these emotions that I’ve been hiding away from for the last year. I ran away, and I need to go back. I need to go back home and work through some things.”
Bounding over to her, I wrap her up in my arms, unable to handle the distance between us any longer. “Please don’t call that place your home. This is your home. I’m your home the same way you’re mine,” I gently remind her. “I love you so much, Logan. It physically hurts how much I love you. I need you to know that. You might feel like you’re alone in this world, but you’re my entire world.”
It’s crazy how much I love this woman. So much so that it scares the shit out of me. I’ve been afraid every day since I met her that I would somehow fuck it up and lose her, and trust me, I’ve been close. But I feel like I’m losing her right now, and I don’t know how to stop it.
