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“I don’t know where I am with all of it,” I tell him honestly. “I don’t like to think about it. Especially my mom. Last year was pretty traumatizing, and I don’t like to go there.”
He once again looks at me, searching my face before letting out a heavy sigh.
“Logan, I’m saying this from experience. You’re going to have to grieve for her at some point. You’re going to have to feel it all so you can move on and start celebrating her and the impact she had on your life.”
“I don’t know if I can. That sounds terrifying.”
“It will be,” Jack says. “It’s going to suck. I can promise you that. But there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to start moving in that direction. Otherwise, it’s going to follow you around like a dark weight on your shoulders until you do.”
I don’t respond, but I know he’s right. And I’ve been dreading the emotions that are going to come when I finally decide to start dealing with my guilt and grief. I don’t know when that will be, but I know I’m not ready yet.
“You have EJ and Marc,” he adds. “You’re not alone in this. And you have Mary and me. If you ever need anything in the fatherly sense or if you just need a friend who understands what you’re going through, you can always talk to me. It’s hard when you feel like you’re the only one who has experienced that kind of loss.”
I shoot him a grateful smile. “Thanks, Jack. I appreciate that.”
“Well, we appreciate you, Logan. More than you know. We feel very lucky that the boys met you. The man EJ has become since you guys got together is the man I was hoping he would be, and I know a lot of that is thanks to you.”
I shake my head. “I’m the lucky one.”
“I think we all are.”
“Did you have a good birthday?” I hand Marc his second piece of cake as I curl up on the couch next to him.
“The best birthday, just like this cake,” he says with his mouth full.
Mary let me make Marc’s birthday cake this afternoon while the boys were gone. After that conversation with Jack, I couldn’t get my mind back into studying. It was swirling with thoughts that I was afraid to tackle head-on, so instead, I distracted myself with baking. Red velvet, of course—Marc’s favorite.
“How weird is it that this is my first birthday we’ve spent together? I feel like I’ve known you my whole life,” he says between bites.
“Right? I was thinking the same. I can’t believe we met in Spain less than a year ago.”
“I know Ali thinks that she was the best part of twenty-two, but that’s not true.” He nudges me in the shoulder. “Meeting you was the best part of twenty-two.”
I give Marc a grateful smile. I seriously love this guy, and I’m so lucky to have him.
“What’s going to be the best part of twenty-three?” I ask.
“Well, us being one year closer to graduating, and hopefully getting an apartment off-campus together next year. As much as I love the coed bathrooms in the grad dorms, I would really like a kitchen again.”
“And being there when EJ finally signs his NHL contract. I’m excited for him,” he adds.
I haven’t thought too much about what next year’s Thanksgiving weekend will look like. Eli might not even be able to come home depending on his hockey schedule. And will he want me to be here if he does? This time next year, will he just see me as his college girlfriend that he left behind? I’m a little afraid to find out what these next twelve months will bring for us.
“Are you fucking serious?” Marc releases a heavy sigh, looking down at his phone.
“What’s wrong?”
“Lauren. She’s texted me three times today, and now she’s calling.” He holds up the screen so I can see his ex’s name run across the top.
“What the hell does she want?” I ask with disgust. I already didn’t like the girl, but after the Halloween party, I think ‘despise’ is a better word.
“I don’t know, to wish me a happy birthday or some shit. I didn’t respond to any of her texts, so now she’s calling.” He quickly declines Lauren’s call.
“She sucks.”
“Yeah, well, just be glad you don’t have to see your piece of shit ex around campus like I have to,” he says with an exhausted breath. “Speaking of that asshole, have you heard from Zac at all?”
I quickly shake my head. “Not since the night you and I talked at the hockey house. Which was also the night that Eli and I first got together, so as soon as that happened, I blocked his number. He’s reached out on social media, but I haven’t opened any of the messages.”
