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“Maybe you should leave,” Ali suggests as we turn the corner and near the boy’s parents’ house. “I’ll go with you.”
We’ve been out walking for about an hour, trying to give Eli and I both space to cool off. I didn’t have to fill Marc and Ali in on what happened upstairs. They could hear the whole thing. When I quickly made my way downstairs, and towards the front door, I asked Marc to stay behind while Ali and I went on a walk so that Eli wouldn’t be alone. As mad at him as I am right now, I didn’t want him to feel like everyone was against him if he decided to come downstairs to an empty house.
“Yeah, I think I should,” I agree as we walk up the front porch. “I’m going to go grab my bag from upstairs, then I’ll call an Uber.”
My heart is racing when I step inside. I’m not sure if Eli has come downstairs yet, and I’m not sure where his mood is at. Most of me doesn’t believe what he said about wanting to break up, but there’s a little part of me that is scared he was sincere. As much as I don’t want to end things, I was serious about breaking up with him if he continues to speak to me the way he did today. As much as it would break my heart to not be with Eli anymore, I’ve learned that my self-respect is too important.
“I’m going to head back to my dorm,” I tell Marc when I find him sitting on the couch, watching highlights from a couple of NBA games that were on earlier.
“Are you sure?”
I shrug in response. “I think it’s for the best. He seems like he needs some space.”
He nods his head in agreement, standing from the couch. “I don’t want you to go, but I’m not okay with the way he talked to you. I’ll grab EJ’s keys and drive you back. Ali, you staying or going?”
“I’m going too,” Ali says with regret.
“Actually, Marc, I’m going to call an Uber. I don’t want Eli to be left alone.”
It takes a minute for him to agree, but Marc gives me an appreciative smile when he realizes I’m just looking out for his brother.
“I’ll be right back. I’m going to grab my bag.”
“Do you want me to get it?” Marc interjects, obviously concerned that my duffel is in the same room as Eli.
I shake my head. “I’m not afraid of him,” I tell Marc confidently as I make my way upstairs.
My heart begins to race with every stair I take. I don’t know what mood Eli will be in, and judging by the last conversation we had, it’s best if I’m in and out of there before any words are exchanged.
I barely open his door as I look inside. Eli is no longer sitting on the bed, but thankfully my bag is still on the floor next to his bathroom. I can hear the shower water running, and I’m glad that Eli is preoccupied so that I can quickly grab my things without being noticed.
As I near my bag, I hear a whimper coming from behind his bathroom door. I furrow my brow in confusion as I press my ear up to his closed door, trying to listen. It’s hard to tell with the water running, but I believe I hear a ragged inhale. Not the kind I heard last night when Eli had a panic attack. No, this time, his strained breathing is the result of him crying.
I quietly crack open the bathroom door just enough to peek my head inside, and the sight before me breaks my heart.
The fogged-up shower glass makes it difficult to see properly, but I can still make out Eli’s frame. He’s sitting on the shower floor, completely naked, with his knees pulled up to his chest and his forehead resting on his crossed arms. He’s mostly silent, but his body is ever so slightly shaking from him crying.
“Eli?” I ask quietly and with caution, but he doesn’t respond.
I step one foot inside the bathroom, unable to help myself, as I feel the magnetic pull he has on me once again. The closer I get, the larger the pain in my chest becomes. Eli’s large muscular body looks so small, hunched in the corner of the shower.
He may be crying softly, but it’s still loud enough to break my heart.
Closing the door behind me, I fully enter the bathroom, keeping my eyes on the man I love as he suffers alone. I’ve never seen Eli cry before, and I doubt it happens often, but I hope I never have to see his sad tears again. The sight of him curled up on the shower floor is heart-wrenching. He looks so small and weak. As upset as I am with how he spoke to me earlier, I love him too much to leave him alone in this moment.
I pull off my sweatshirt, taking my top with it, leaving me in only my bra. I slip off my running shoes and slide out of my yoga pants, revealing the little black thong underneath. He’s seen me in about as little clothing as I have on now, and I’ve seen Eli completely naked before, just a few days ago, but this moment is different. There’s nothing sexual about what is happening right now.
As I open the glass shower door, I fully expect Eli to scold me for not giving him space, but he doesn’t say anything. In fact, he doesn’t even look up at me. I don’t care if he doesn’t want me here right now. I’m not leaving him alone to suffer in silence. Whatever is going on with him, I don’t need to know. I just need him to be aware that I’m here for him.
Allowing the hot water run over my body, I make my way to the far side of the shower, where Eli is hunched over. I wedge myself between his large body and the shower wall as I slide myself down the cold tile to sit behind him. With my legs bent on either side of him, I wrap one arm around his abdomen, and the other I lace across his chest as I press my cheek against his wet back.
His body is stiff, so he might not want this, but I don’t know how else to make him feel better than to hold him right now.
Suddenly, he grabs ahold of my arm that’s draped across his chest and laces his fingers between mine. As he leans his forehead against our intertwined hands, his cries turn to sobs. His body shakes in mine as I hold him close to me.
I squeeze my eyes shut as the noise he makes pains my ears. I grip him tighter, trying anything I can to make him feel better. Hopefully, he mistakes the tears falling from my eyes onto his back as water from the shower because I’m trying to be strong right now, but I can’t. It’s breaking my heart to see him this way.
His body continues to heave in my arms. “Please don’t leave me,” he begs between sobs.
