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So, I get dressed. Throw on my coat to hide my growing belly, and head out into the city. My nerves are all over the place as I cruise the streets in her direction. I think about turning around the closer I get, but this has been long overdue.
It's time to finally settle the score with her and move on with my life. Whether she decides she wants to be a part of mine and her grandchild's life or not is completely up to her. I just want to be able to let my kid know I tried in the end.
“Hello. Can I help you?”
A tall slender man with a man-bun and a shaggy mustache answered the door shortly after I ring the bell. I was hoping my mother would answer and we’d dive right into our awkward reunion, but it’s him I have to encounter first. Like always, my mother has someone else doing her dirty work.
“Uh, yeah, hi,” I smile politely. “I’m looking for Judy.”
“Ok, sure,” he smiles and bobs his head slightly. “May I know who to tell her is here for her?”
I want to shout at him for asking so many questions and barge my way through the door. But I realize this is their home and I don't have access to my mother's new life the way I should.
“Tell her it’s her daughter.”
The man's eyes and mouth both widen in disbelief. It makes me believe she never even told him about me. Her first daughter. I'm not at all surprised by his reaction. She left me behind years ago. Nothing in my life after that seemed to shock me.
“Please, come in,” he says. “I’ll get her for you right now.”
I step into the large penthouse and take a good look around. It's nice. Gorgeous, actually. My mother always did have exquisite taste in decor, so I didn’t expect anything less than perfection.
While he’s gone, I take a look at the photos nailed to the wall near the entrance. Two children. A boy and girl. Photos of my mother on her wedding day. None of me. Not surprising at all.
I hear two voices coming up the hall and prepare myself to be bombarded for coming here. I haven’t seen my mother in years. I don't expect her to accept me with open arms, or for us to have some joyful kumbaya reintroduction. I'm strictly here for answers, and to tell her that she’ll be a grandmother soon.
The minute she sees me, her eyes water and for the first time in a long time, I’m shocked. She's never shown any real emotion toward me. Only jealousy and discomfort for the relationship I had with my dad.
“Felicia,” she gasps and places both hands up to her mouth. “What are you doing here?”
“Hello to you too, Mom.”
“Of course! I'm sorry.” She quickly pulls me in for a hug. “I’m just surprised to see you. Please, come in and have a seat.”
She leads me off into a private living room area and offers me a drink. Of course, I decline. I’m not much into drinking these days and I certainly don't need the help of alcohol to come clean about how I feel. That's more her lingo.
For a moment, we sit in silence. Staring at one another awkwardly, waiting for the other to speak. I’m the one who came here looking for her so I should be the one to start the conversation. But she’s the one who left, and she’s my mother, so I feel it's her duty to explain. Whatever the case, this game of cat and mouse is truly annoying.
“How are you?” She finally breaks the silence.
“I’m good,” I say. “Could be better. You?”
“I’m doing alright.”
Both of our words are short and dry. I kind of figured it would go something like this. I guess I let my hopes get the best of me and thought she’d have more to say, but it doesn't seem like she does. She hasn’t even acknowledged the fact that it’s been years since we’ve seen each other.
“Mom,” I say, preparing to lay it all out there. “How long has it been since I've seen you? And you don't have anything to say? I thought you would at least want to know about my life. What I've been doing all these years. Tell me why you left. Something.”
My words bring all the built up guilt to the surface of her eyes. This is the first time I've seen her look so remorseful. Of course, I can’t believe that she truly is. After dealing with Sean and his fake remorse, I don't know what to believe from anyone.
“I’ve wanted to reach out to you for so long, Felicia.” She sighs and lowers her head in shame. “There’s no excuse for how long I've gone without making things up to you. I honestly don't know what to say about what I did. It was selfish and something I've regretted every day. I let the anger and hatred I have for your father make me do something I can never take back and for that, I sincerely apologize. You didn't deserve that.”
Tears fall from her eyes as she speaks. I didn't expect to get so emotional myself, but here I am. Crying with her. I blame my tears on the hormonal changes due to being pregnant, but deep down inside I know this has been the apology I've been seeking for a long time.
“I can’t bring back the past,” she says. “But if you're willing to give me a chance to be a part of your life now, I'm more than willing and ready. If you want.”
I think long and hard about letting her back into my life. I do miss her. She's my mom, of course I miss her. Am I hurt by her actions? Fuck yeah. But as an expecting mother myself, I need her help and her guidance. I need my mom.
“I would love that,” I say, trying to hold back more tears. “There’s a lot going on in my life right now that I could use some help with. Dad's not talking to me at the moment, and I just feel so lost, I don’t know what to do.”
