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Telling my friends that I’m moving in with Drew goes about as well as I expect it to, which is not very. Right in, Iris starts on me.
“Are you fucking crazy?” She follows me into my room, watching as I open my closet and haul out the steamer trunk my mother sent me off to college with. “You just got back together. Why would you move in with him?”
“Because he asked?” I heave the trunk onto my bed. “And because I want to?”
George saunters into the room. “What about Iris? You can’t leave her in a lurch.”
I glance at him before going to my dresser. “You think I’d do that?” It hurts that he does, but I get it; he’s watching out for his sister. “I’ll still pay the rent here until Iris moves out for grad school.”
“So Drew’s gonna be like your sugar daddy?” Iris sneers at the very idea.
“Yeah, because that’s so me.” I roll my eyes. “He owns the house outright and only pays utilities. I’m paying for groceries.”
I’d wanted to pay for more, but Drew insisted. His name is on all the bills, and he has the money, so we’d compromised.
Iris plops down on the bed and idly flicks the trunk’s lock. “I get that you’re happy to be back with Drew, Banana, but, come on, you’ve been avoiding commitment like the plague, and now you’re going to move in with him?”
I can’t blame Iris for her skepticism. If I had heard myself even a few weeks ago, I’d have thought the same thing. But things change. People grow up.
“For months I’ve been resisting letting Drew in, convinced that I’d lose who I am if I did. That he’d crush my heart. But I was the one destroying my soul. I was fucking miserable.”
Even the shadow of that memory hurts. I brush it aside with a deep breath. “I’m happy with him.”
“That doesn’t mean you have to live with him,” she says.
“No, it doesn’t. But if being with him makes me happy, then why stay apart for fear that it might not work? That would be a mistake.”
“But you’re so young. Don’t you want to see what the world has to offer?”
As if life is somewhere just around the corner, and I’ll find it if only I keep searching. It’s what we’ve all been promised, an elusive brass ring that’s always just out of reach, and one day, one day it will pop up in front of us. Well, I don’t want a treadmill life. I’ve tried it and it sucks.
I shake my head. “I used to think that if I figured out what I wanted to do with my life, everything would fall into place. Now?” I shrug. “Now I’m thinking that happiness is never going to be having the perfect job, house, life. It isn’t a destination, you know? It’s a series of moments. I mean, isn’t that what life is? Moments? The here and now?”
I stuff my underwear into a bag. “Yeah, I still have to discover what I want to do with my life. I could end up with the greatest career in the world, but at the end of the day, who I come home to, who I share my accomplishments with is what makes the struggle worth it. And for me, that’s Drew. So, yes, it’s reckless and it may blow up in my face, but I am not afraid. I’m more excited than I’ve ever been. So just...support me, will you?”
“Shit,” George drawls on a smile. “We’ve got her monologuing.” He ducks a sock I chuck at his head. His expression turns serious. “If you’re that sure about it, then you have my blessing, young Anna.”
I kiss the top of his head. “Thanks, Georgie.” Then I give his head a light whack. “Smart-ass.”
He laughs. But Iris doesn’t. Her dark eyes are still troubled. Which troubles me. “’Ris?”
Slowly she shakes her head. “I still say you’re making a mistake. But I’m with George. If you’re that sure, I’ll support you.”
“I’ve never been more sure of anything.” I thought I had lost myself in Drew. But the truth was that I’d found myself in him.
It never occurs to me that Drew might be the one to lose faith.
thirty-eight
Anna
I don’t see the trouble at first. All I see is Drew. The only thing that occupies my time is the way we instantly click together when I move in. We get along so well, it’s like having an endless sleepover with my favorite person in the world. So of course I miss the signs.
It isn’t until another week passes and his friends start showing up that I notice something’s wrong. For one thing, Drew doesn’t want to see them. These are his teammates. These guys practically live in each other’s pockets. And now? Now Drew is hunched on the far recliner, staring off at nothing, while his boys hang out on his couch, watching an NFL game. They’re a boisterous lot, shouting and laughing and trading good-natured insults. I like them.
They also eat. A lot. I’m bustling back to the kitchen for more chips when Drew snags my arm.
“You don’t have to feed them, babe.”
