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But after last night, after everything, we could not stay.
The Boy, however, jerked back, his hand waving in a panic as he clicked ‘no’.
“It’s not safe here. She… he… last night was just the start. We have to go.” Again, he clicked ‘no’.
The bed creaked as he sat up, the booming knocks echoing through the room again before the same man's shouts rattled the door.
“Don’t make me drag you out of there!”
“We have to go,” I hissed, suddenly afraid I was going to be overheard. “It was a miracle you survived last night. He will do it again.” My heart broke saying that, the Boy only clicked ‘no’, walking toward the door.
“But I… I can’t stay here. Batian will lock me up, he warned me as such. The pilgrimage is our only chance.” This wasn’t how I had imagined this going at all. I didn’t understand what was happening, why he was standing there shaking his head in a fervent no.
“Tell me why,” I demanded, jumping off the bed and gesturing to the pile of blood soaked sheets that we had piled at the foot of my bed. “After last night, I need to know why you need to stay.”
He didn’t move, he just stood there, his chest rising and falling in heavy breaths as I waited.
My mind flashed to the writing in that book, to what he had said, about the ‘her’ that he had to save. That he had to protect.
“Why would you stay?” I demanded, fury igniting in the pit of my heart. “Did you make a deal with my mother?”
He gestured wildly, his hands making those same frantic movements. Motions that I didn’t understand.
“No. Tell me.” Folding my arms, I stared into the shroud of his face, the mysterious pieces of him that I was trying desperately to figure out.
He shook his head.
“Why? You can talk. You did before–” Again, another head shake.
We stood there, facing each other, the black figure of my shadow, the man who had always been there. The man who I–
I pushed the thought away before it formed, before the crack in my chest that hadn’t quite healed from last night grew any bigger.
“You won’t tell me what happened last night.” He shook his head again before I even phrased it as a question. “You say you will protect me but you won’t come with me. Tell me why. I need to know why.”
He stood there, his fingers flexing and stretching as though he was contemplating grabbing me and running. My muscles pulled, a knot in my chest growing as I waited to hear his voice. Instead, he shook his head again.
“You said she will kill us before. But don’t you see? She will kill us either way,” I said, using the last words that he had spoken to me back at him. “We have to go.”
I wasn’t sure when I started crying, but the hot tears choked my words, they flowed down my cheeks as I faced him as he once more shook his head ‘no’ before exiting my room, leaving me standing there beside the sheets soaked with his blood, besides the horrors that would await me if I stayed.
I only waited a moment to see if he would come back, to see if he would change his mind, before the furious knocking sounded on the door again, and any hope of escape faded with it.
—
An hour later I stood in the freezing courtyard, clutching the fur lined cloak I had mercifully found in the back of my closet. It was warm and thick, warmer still when paired with the layers of underpinnings I had put on to keep me warm as I knew the peach silk of the dress I had on wouldn’t. Even with its long sleeves that I had carefully tucked my woven bracelet into, there was no warmth in this fabric. It all should have been enough to keep out the chill of the freezing morning air.
It wasn’t.
I shivered, the biting wind cutting right through me as I stood with the nobility, the Boy standing at attention right behind me. Every few minutes one of the members of the court would stare my way, clearly questioning my sanity, health, or any number of things I was sure they had heard about me over the years.
After everything, after training, after fighting, after working so hard to prove myself… nothing had changed. They all thought me crazy, anyway. The Boy had paid the price for nothing, I would pay the price for nothing.
A horn sounded, announcing the arrival of the royal family which sent everyone standing a little straighter. I, however, ducked deeper into my cloak, pushing away the pain that I once again wasn’t up there with them.
“Queen Dalyah and the future Ramal, Prince Batian!” My head snapped up at the announcement, at the clear lack of Father being mentioned leaving me in a panic that he wasn’t there, that he was locked away. Yet, there he stood, hand on his cane, Uncle Jahn's hand over his as they walked behind the Queen and her son. The pair were matching in every way from their golden cloaks and crowns, the same icy shade of their hair, to the twists of a sneer on their faces that they were trying to pass off as a smile. My father almost looked like their shadow all his own.
Batian grinned as he usually did, waving to everyone as he scanned the crowd. I did not miss the way his eyes widened when they fell on me, the shock growing as he looked from me to my shadow behind me.
