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As I make my way through the palace, heads bob to me—not in reverence. In pity. I do feel deserving of it, just not for the reasons people think.
“Thank you for coming,” Mother says with a soft smile when I enter.
“You didn’t actually give me a choice.” I attempt a grin and take a seat.
Father folds his hands together. “Now that we’re home, are you ready to talk about it?”
“There isn’t much to talk about.”
They look at each other, then their gazes fall on me. “Sweetheart, did Jamys know you were trying to get out of the betrothal?” Mother told him then.
“Yes.” I swipe a tear from the corner of my eye before it has a chance to fall. “Last I saw him, we fought about it.”
Mother’s eyes glisten. “It must be difficult to have that as your last conversation.”
“There’s nothing to be done about it.”
“Perhaps you should all go take your holiday at Etherlee,” Father says. “It would give you time to sort yourself out before the last trial.”
My shoulders slump. “Do we really have to do the trial?”
“Yes.” Father taps his fingers together. “It’s perhaps more important now. Without the potential conflict of interest with Ceraun, many see you as a more viable potential heir.”
“Arabella,” Mother says, “I know you haven’t been trying to win, but if you can, then you should. Our kingdom deserves the best. I love your brother, but his temper gets the best of him. You’re levelheaded—”
An incredulous hiss escapes me.
“You are,” she continues. “You don’t think I see through your antics and jests? Darling, you always do the right thing. I trust you’ll do so with this as well.”
I wish I were obstinate enough to throw my affair at her. Oh, was sleeping with Tomas when I was betrothed to another the right thing? But their disappointment would mortify me. “How could anyone expect it of me at this point?”
“There’s no rush,” Father says. “Take your trip. The sea air will do you good.”
Not long ago, I wished to have one last week at the shore. The story of Tomas and me could be wrapped up so nicely. It started there, and it would end there. But at my last attempt, he wouldn’t even see me. Without Jamys, we have decisions to make—at least, we would, if he’s stopped avoiding me. Would he agree to marry me out of guilt? I couldn’t stand that. Would it change everything between us to be betrothed? Did we only work because it was exciting and forbidden? Would he still want me the way he does if I were his wife? Would he trust me? I maintained an affair for my entire betrothal with Jamys; perhaps I’m not deserving of trust. Dead gods, take me.
“I don’t know.” Tears pool against my eyelashes. “I don’t know if I want to go to the shore. It’s always been a light, fun trip, and it couldn’t be now. So… I don’t know.” I rub my forehead and avoid their eyes.
“Take your time,” Father says. “Let us know when you’re ready.”
When I’m ready to choose the crown. Ready to betray Rylan. Ready to risk my heart. What training is there for that?
By the time I arrive back at my rooms, I don’t wish to leave again for weeks. The confusion and chaos in my mind build, and I don’t know how to act in front of people. I’m going to explode. There’s usually an excellent release for this kind of thing, but as he’s at the heart of most of my turmoil…
I open my door and puff out a breath upon seeing I have company. “What are you doing here?”
“Ara, I’m worried about you.” Rylan wraps his arms around me, and I drop my chin to my chest. “How are you holding up?”
“It’s complicated.”
“I’d imagine so.” He sits on a sofa, and I drop onto the chaise. “The two of you seemed to be getting on well.”
“We were. It’s not as if I was in love with him, but…”
“That must make it even more strange to mourn him.”
“Indeed.” Rylan coming to offer me comfort, to listen, warms me. Things have been so charged between us with the trials. I just want my brother, and finally, it feels like we can be the siblings we once were.
“I can’t believe they’re going to make you go through with the trial,” he says. “I tried to have it cancelled. I’m sorry.”
