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“Are you nervous about tomorrow?”
There it is. Tomorrow would be the logical thing to be concerned about. I am planning to take on an army by myself, after all. Still, that doesn’t seem nearly as daunting as this.
“I’m not looking forward to it, but it must be done.” A deep breath does nothing to calm me. “More so, I need to talk to you about something.”
He pales, and his lips purse slightly.
“There’s no way to say this without sounding horrible, but—”
“Then don’t say it.”
It’s tempting. My teeth grind together, but I take one shaky breath and force my mouth to work again. “I have to.”
“No, you don’t.” It isn’t until he wraps his hand around mine that I realize I’m trembling. “You don’t owe me anything, Ara. You’re already going far beyond anything I could ask for by helping Dockerly right now.”
“I’ll always be there for you in such matters…”
His chest heaves with rapid breaths.
“But I can’t—”
He clasps the sides of my face and pulls me in for a kiss. For a moment, I’m shocked by his assertiveness. Then his lips distract me, moving deftly and parting my own. His tongue brushes mine, and I reel in confusion. How is this the same person I kissed in the garden not two weeks ago? My heart pounds, but beyond the fact that it’s a very good kiss, it’s still wrong. Physically, it’s perfect. There isn’t anything I’d change… except the person.
I pull back and lean my forehead against his. “Jamys…”
“Did you not enjoy that?” His voice is low. Longing and desperation weave through it.
“That’s not the problem.”
“Then enjoy it.” He kisses my jaw, my ear, and I shudder. “I’m going to be king, but I will kneel to you. I will worship you.” His hand slides down to grip my hip, and every vivid feeling from my dream comes to the forefront. Panic slashes through me. “We can have everything, Ara.”
“No, we can’t.” Tears spill over my eyelashes. “I’ve been sleeping with someone else.”
He closes his eyes and clenches his jaw as his hand drops from the base of my skull to my lap.
“It started before our betrothal. I never meant to hurt you.”
“Then why—why would you tell me?” He fixes me with a glistening stare. “Wouldn’t it have been bad enough to be married to someone who supposedly doesn’t know?” I suck in a sharp breath. “Isn’t it worse to know I’m aware and feigning ignorance?”
“You already knew?”
His jaw ticks. “Yes.”
“And still you wanted to…” My gaze slides down to his hands still on my lap. That fevered kiss. The way he gripped me. He’d have made love to me, even though he knew…
“Should it matter?” He wraps his hands around mine. “I can’t say I like it, but it isn’t important. We can move forward together. I meant it when I told you I want to marry you. It isn’t an obligation to my kingdom anymore. All this time together… You’re remarkable. All that you are would make me think there is no chance of you ever being interested in me, but you have shown interest. You’ve put more effort into learning about me than anyone I’ve ever known. Lillian is the only other person who knows about the music. We’ve shared so much. Didn’t that mean anything to you?”
I drop my chin to my chest. “Of course it did.” I was trying to open myself up to fall in love with him, but it only worked in the other direction.
“Then there doesn’t need to be a problem.” He strokes my cheek with his thumb. “You’ve had… experiences. That’s fine. We’ll have our own.” He pulls my chin up so our eyes meet. “We’ve spoken of wanting a proper marriage with love and family, and I also want us to have every physical pleasure together.” His fingers weave back into my hair. “Ara, I want to make you happy in every way. Give me the chance to.”
Before I can untangle the jumble of emotion blocking my throat, he kisses me again, strong and impassioned, but lovingly. Gods, I’ve made such a mess of this. I pull back from him again with the feeling I’m about to stab him.
“That’s not the problem.” My heart thrashes against my ribs like it would rather be ripped out than do this to Jamys. “I’m in love with him.”
He rocks back and covers his eyes—his thumb and middle finger press into his temples. I was supposed to be Ceraun’s hero, but I’m a villain. If someone else hurt Jamys like this, wouldn’t I hate that person? Perhaps I do hate the person who’s done this right now. He stands and walks away without a word.
I always thought my element and I were the least destructive of my family and our powers. How wrong I was. He offered me a perfectly good heart, and I crushed it.
