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“What?”
“My father. He can dictate everything I do. He’s the King.”
A breath puffs out of me. “Even make you marry me.” It’s not meant to be an affront to Jamys. Urian’s audacity to insist upon our marrying despite anything I do, all to gain an heir with my power, is appalling.
“That’s not why I’m marrying you.” His lips are pursed slightly, but I arch an eyebrow at him. “All right, technically, yes, but now I want to marry you.” His voice drops, as if wanting to marry the woman he’s betrothed to is some terrible secret. It twists my heart into a knot.
Ending our betrothal was always going to be an indignity, and problematic for a kingdom that needs a powerful person to defend it, but I’m going to break Jamys’ heart as well. My hood brushes my upper back as I shake my head. “I didn’t mean to question your intentions.” Though it would be easier if he were planning to marry me under duress. “It was more about your father. I don’t think he likes me very much, so I can’t imagine what it’s like to have him continue to demand you marry me.”
Jamys pales. “Did he say something to you?”
“A little something, yes. It’s fine.”
“I don’t suppose you’ll tell me what exactly.”
“No, I won’t.” Primarily not to incriminate myself, but it’s also wholly unnecessary.
“Well, I’m sorry. I know he expects everything to be a certain way, and he gets cross when that order isn’t maintained. Neither his opinions nor his feelings affect mine. No matter his plans or motivations, the feelings I’ve developed for you are real.”
A dizzying lightness sweeps through my head, and I push my voice past the lump in my throat. “Jamys, I—”
“Don’t respond. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said that.”
“You needn’t apologize. Really, it’s—”
“Honestly, don’t.”
Terrible as I feel not responding, it is a relief. What could I say that wouldn’t either be a lie or hurtful? We should not be making this journey together. How am I to spend these days alone with him? Jamys was probably correct about me needing him for navigation. The Highbluff fleet will have to swing out around the peninsular shape of the coast, but on horseback, we can take a more direct route which should get us there a day or two before the ships. Still, it’ll take nine days, and we’ve managed to make things uncomfortable between us on the first. We ride in silence until we stop for the night.
The horses are settled, and we eat some cheese and brown bread I took from the kitchens at the palace. I always knew those skills would prove useful. When we’re done, Jamys turns to me, seemingly determined to be happy and calm now. “All right, princess-who-packs-lightly—”
“It was necessary for this trip.” I take out the blankets which are the only bedding I allowed.
“Well, I have a hard time believing you’d be able to sleep on the hard ground.”
“Who said anything about that?”
“You told me not to bring—”
I raise him up off the ground, and he startles. “You can lie down.”
He slides his hand along the airy bed and puffs out a laugh. “I don’t see how this could ever seem normal.”
“You’ll get used to it.” Because we have this time, not forever. I levitate myself and recline on my side, head propped on my hand. “Go ahead.”
Gingerly, he lies down, facing me. “This will remain, even while you sleep?”
“Yes.” A thought flashes through me of how much more it can withstand than sleep, and guilt pools in me. It would be kinder to get it over with, but the rest of this trip would be awful if I confessed everything to him now. I wish I could forget it all until this adventure is over.
Selfish though it may be, I ask Jamys to help with that. “Will you play for me?”
His neck strains, and his eyes get glassy for a moment. “All right.” He sits up and takes out the pipe to play another new tune, unlike either of the two I’ve heard before. It’s melancholy, but affectionate, like an embrace that lingers long enough to tell a person you really care. And just like that, I feel even worse.
When it ends, I whisper, “Thank you,” but it feels like an apology. If I’d known Jamys this way before anything had happened with Tomas, I could have been truly happy with him. For convenience’s sake, I almost wish for it. However, I can’t regret loving Tomas any more than I can regret having magic. Both are intrinsically part of me.
Jamys blinks slowly and lies back down facing me. “Goodnight, Arabella.”
“Goodnight.”
