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“If it’s too crowded, I can ride horseback,” Kristance offers. Nina’s attendant is more friend than staff.
“I’m not bothered at all.” More specifically, I’m not bothered by sitting three to a carriage. I’m bothered by ample other things, but I do my best not to think about any of them as we set off.
***
On the second day of our trip, Nina and Kristance put on their riding clothes and forego the carriage. Apparently, my company was not desirable, and I couldn’t care less. As I make my way to it, Jamys asks if he might join me in their place. Rolling along, out of the hills and toward the southern plains, it’s stuffy in the enclosed space.
“You have no obligation to keep me company. It’s not particularly comfortable in here.”
Jamys adjusts his collar but makes no complaint. “Isn’t it? Well, if you’re uncomfortable, I’m certain you could do something about that.”
The idea is only somewhat less repulsive than the thought of explaining it, so I pull a cool breeze through the carriage. It sweeps over my face—a soothing embrace. Still, my heartbeat picks up.
“I must admit, that is better.” Jamys turns to face into it. “I’m surprised you weren’t already doing this.”
Even though he isn’t posing it as a question, I feel him trying to understand. But how could he understand suddenly being afraid of part of himself? I’ve always thought my power was lovely—comforting, fun, useful—but I’d never used it in a dangerous way. That I so naturally wielded it as a weapon has rattled my understanding of the magic. And perhaps myself.
“Do you know,” he says when I don’t respond, “I’ve probably seen more of Alchos than Ceraun now?”
My gaze falls to the face of this man who seems to genuinely want to connect with me. It isn’t required—we could easily be strangers who appear beside each other at engagements and share a bed to breed heirs. He could be polite and impassive toward me, and it would be a fair match. Instead, he’s actually interested in me, and apparently, he wants me to know him.
All indications say I should want to know him completely. The problem is that if I come to care about Jamys, how could I stand to leave him stuck with a wretch who sneaks around and becomes murderous in the face of a threat to a man who isn’t him?
“That’s a shame,” I say. “Not seeing Alchos—of course, I think it’s beautiful. But why haven’t you seen more of your own kingdom?”
“When we travel around Ceraun, it’s usually directly from one castle to another. I don’t get to explore towns as we’ve done here.”
“I’m surprised your parents allowed you to come on this adventure with us if that’s how they prefer to keep you.”
“Apparently, the rules can be bent to accommodate time for you and me to be together.”
A smile comes unbidden to my face despite a prickling in my eyes. “Well then, perhaps after we’re married you can take your new wife on a tour of the kingdom so we can both explore it.”
“You wouldn’t mind me using you as an excuse that way?”
“Not at all.” His ways of using me are perfectly innocent compared to his father’s designs in securing me. Not that Urian wants a magical heir for Ceraun for any nefarious purposes. Still, my future child being an asset to be sought is nauseating. “It sounds like fun, doesn’t it? Wandering about the kingdom for leisure.”
It paints a lovely picture, just as the future with Jamys always does. I can see us laughing, drinking, even falling into bed together. One hand sliding up under my dress, the other in my hair. I can see it all, but it’s like watching it happen to someone else. I can’t imagine the feeling. Can’t think of it really being me.
Jamys’ mild smile and distant gaze tell me he can see it too. “You floating around like a leaf in autumn, and me playing music to bring you back down to earth?”
“Was I so obviously enamored by that?”
His cheeks flush as he jostles slightly with the carriage’s bounces. “It was a thrill to bring you any happiness or pleasure.”
“Would you play for me now?”
He sucks his lip in against his teeth and glances out of the window.
“I can make it so the sound won’t escape.”
“Do you think me foolish for being so nervous about anyone hearing?”
“No. I rather enjoy the idea of it being just for me.”
He pulls the beautiful pipe out, and I snap a barrier around us. This time, the song is mystical. It ebbs and flows in a way that begs the body to dance. My muscles tense and move me in the slightest ways—the shadow of how I would dance to it if space and situation allowed. Within my shoes, my feet twitch with the intent of the steps and turns I’d take.
It really is remarkable what he can do with air. It’s reprehensible that I’d bask in it being for me when so much of what should be exclusively for him isn’t at all. My heart sinks into my stomach. Gods, he deserves a good wife. Tomas and I are over now, though. By the time Jamys and I marry, it will be as if it never happened. All that should be Jamys’ will be. He’s not my husband yet, so there’s no reason to feel guilty for things that transpired before our union. I’ve even cut it off early.
