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And we have sex again.
And again.
I’m so damned happy but I know it can’t last. How in the world could it possibly last? I can’t keep the secret forever.
Chapter Four
“Dr. French!” I cry as his cock slides into me. It’s amazing to have him right now, and it’s amazing to realize how desperately I’ve wanted him. Of course, it’s also a damned evil thing of me to have sex with him again.
And again.
And again.
After a month, we’re not necessarily having sex every single day but it’s damned close. We’ve had sex in the lab or one of our offices half a dozen times. The rest is at my place or his if it’s a night Kayla isn’t working so she can watch the baby.
Vance’s baby.
The baby that belongs to the man whose cock is inside of me, the man holding onto my waist as I stare down at the tile floor of the lab while I’m on all fours. That baby. Vance’s daughter.
Sometimes I feel so damned guilty! I’m so afraid to tell the truth. How in the world can I? How can I possibly tell him? One person on Earth knows. Kayla. She tells me all the time I should just tell him. She tells me it’s unfair for him not to know but she’ll never give up the secret.
She’s my only confidant.
And I feel so guilty sometimes. A few weeks back, I tried to punish myself. I grabbed his cock and guided it to my ass. It wasn’t punishment. I ended up liking anal sex. The truth is there’s no way to punish myself. I’m just a coward. I’m afraid of him being angry and now I’m terribly afraid of him breaking up with me.
I mean, we’re not officially together but you get the point. I’m afraid that things will become still and only professional or, worse, hostile. I guess stiff and professional will probably be worse than hostile. The point is what we have will go away. I’m terrified of that happening. I can’t lose him.
One month.
A month that would be perfect if not for the horrible guilt. Do you want to know the worst part? He’s great with my little toddler. He’s sweet and kind all the time with her. He brings presents for her whenever he’s at my place. He’s behaving just like a woman wants the father of her daughter to behave. That’s the worst part of all. I see him behaving that way and it just makes it clearer what a terrible person I am.
Maybe that’s why I’m so aggressively sexual with him. I mean, maybe I want to blow him away with as much sex as he can handle with a younger woman. Of course, the problem with that strategy is that he’s not hurting for women who want him. I mean, I’m probably one of countless girls my age absolutely happy to be whatever Vance wants.
Wow.
I mean other girls are willing. He’s not with any of them. Just me. Hell, I don’t give him any time to be with anyone else, honestly. I mean, I guess he could be with someone else and just hiding it from me but why would he do that when we haven’t had any kind of conversation at all to suggest there’s exclusivity? There’s nothing to suggest he needs to hide and…
Damn, I drive myself crazy when I ought to be enjoying this moment. I mean, sex with this man is still the most enjoyable conceivable thing imaginable. I ought to just focus on that now. I mean, eventually, he’s going to discover the truth and all this will end. That means I only have a limited time to enjoy it, right? There are times I think I need to tell him, you know, just rip off the band-aid so to speak.
But I don’t. Damn it, even if I should I don’t. I want to tell you that I can’t but I think I probably can. I just don’t want to. I’m afraid to deal with the consequences. Aw, hell, I don’t know why I don’t. I mean, I have one central fact in my life right now and I keep avoiding it at all costs. I don’t know everything about the future and I can’t pretend to be some kind of wise, brilliant person. One thing I can definitely tell you, though, is that something has to change.
Something’s got to give.
Chapter Five
Six months pass.
I’m evil.
I’m absolutely evil.
I’ve been back for six months and we’ve been together that long. I’m a rotten person.
But I can’t give him up and I can’t risk losing him by telling the truth. Those feelings are really starting to take over. At any given moment, you’ll find me either terrified of losing him or consumed with guilt. The only time I manage to keep those feelings hidden is when I’m with him (and showing the feelings risks discovery) or when I’m alone with Savanna. She freaks out when she thinks I’m sad or worried so I hide it from her, too.
Right now, I’m wearing a smile. I’m at Vance’s house. Savanna is here, too. She’s sitting on a blanket playing with her stuffed animals. I’m on the couch and Vance is getting something he wants to show me. This moment is so beautiful that it does a pretty good job of driving away a lot of the guilt and worry. It does a good job of keeping me focused on the positive, actually, if that makes any sense.
Right now, the positive is looking at my wonderful baby girl having fun on a blanket on the floor of the living room of the man I love.
