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“What I’m struggling to comprehend is the fact you’ve been checking in with Carter for months and kept it a secret from me.” She sent daggers my way as if ready to throw down. “Who else did you reach out to? Mason again? Don’t you dare tell me you talked to Julia or Sydney and they kept it from me.”
I never had it in me to talk to anyone else, but I’d asked Carter how everyone I cared about was doing, including Julia. With our identities exposed, anyone connected to us might be at risk. Fortunately, Julia’s husband, Dalton Finnegan, was part of a covert team of operatives working for POTUS, so I trusted he’d keep her safe. So far, he hadn’t let me down, and I prayed he never would.
Julia may not have married my brother, but she was still like a sister. I’d been there for her when Tucker had died, and she’d been there for me when I felt lost after leaving the Army. She also kept me from dying in that prison, so there was that, too.
“No one else,” I finally answered, my heart heavy with regret and grief now. “But do you really think I’d go months without checking in on you to make sure you were okay?”
She stood, her hand flying to her chest, smacking it hard as she cried, “But I’m not okay.”
Fuck. I hung my head, unable to look at her. It was impossible to ignore pain when it was her pain, not mine.
“What have you been doing here for almost four months? Was it really so much better to be here away from me? From the team?” At the tremble in her voice, I slowly pulled my gaze up to find her staring out the window. “I thought your dad left you. Nothing makes sense.”
I blew out a deep breath, trying to rally. To figure out a way to navigate handling this woman that didn’t involve the methods I’d relied on in the past. Arguing led to sex, and that was off the table for obvious reasons.
You can’t be touched. Chills flew down my back at that, and I wanted to throw up all over again, as if we were both back in that nightmare of a room when that monster had almost raped her.
“He left me. I left you.” I swallowed. “Apple. Tree.” I hated myself for that. For this. For everything.
She whirled back around to meet my eyes. Sniffling, but not crying, she whispered, “Looks like you found him, and I found you. So, there’s that.”
“You just don’t give up, do you?” I whispered back.
“I’m not a quitter, no.” She folded her arms but remained on the other side of an unfinished game of chess on the small table.
I stared at her, knowing the venom I was about to spew would hurt her. But I needed her to stop caring about me and just let me go. Let me be.
“Don’t,” she warned, eyes narrowing. “I know what you’re about to do. Try and push me away.”
I fake-smiled. “I did learn from the best.” Low blow, I know. “You tried to push me away for how long?” Stabbing my chest with my index finger, I went on, “I never let go. I hung on. I waited for you. And I shouldn’t have. If I’d walked away when you kept pushing, none of this would’ve happened. We’d never have gone undercover together and we’d have never been caught. They probably saw me go into your room on Valentine’s Day and spend far too much time there, and . . .” I circled the table to get to her, frustration burning through me. “You wouldn’t be in danger if we never went to Thailand. Your dad would be able to hug you. And I wouldn’t have blood on my hands.”
Her lips remained a tight white slash as tears gathered in her eyes. I could tell she was working her ass off not to unleash them.
“Now, if you’ll excuse me,” I gritted out before I broke down myself, “I need to take a shower.” I couldn’t keep this conversation going. Keep hurting her. Hurting us both. “There’s only one bathroom. No lock on the door. So, do me a favor, don’t show up uninvited again to another place you don’t belong.” Venom. Fucking venom, that’s what that was.
Without waiting for her to unfreeze from her statue-like position, to argue with me, I sidestepped her to escape so I could go be sick in private.
I walked down the hallway to get to the bathroom and slammed the door shut behind me.
Palms flat on the door, forehead to the wood, I sucked in sharp, shallow breaths, gasping for air.
This was too much.
Sensory overload.
It was also painfully obvious to me now that Carter was right. Mya was capable of getting through to me. And I’d do everything in my power to prevent that from happening. Because I did walk away. I left her behind. And I knew my fate would be the same as my dad’s. There’d be no second chance for me with Mya, just like there hadn’t been one for him with my mom.
He was wrong, up by the lake that day.
Slightly different story.
Same sad ending.
15
MYA
My hands were still shaking after Oliver walked away. They continued to tremble as I powered on my phone to text Gwen.
