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“Reasonable and levelheaded,” he says with a playful smirk. “I’m not sure if that’s a red flag or a green one,” he jokes back. Then he kisses me again, slow and smooth, gently pressing me against the wall and his hot, seductive body.
“If this is how you say goodnight,” I pant, “how do you say good morning?”
His smile beams, “Do you want to find out?” His grey eyes lock onto mine, full of promise and desire.
Thump, thump! My heart races.
Yes, my body screams.
But my mind cautions, reminding me of past experiences. The last time I tried to have sex, I freaked out and fled from that poor guy's apartment. I can’t risk that with Julian. Nor can I endure the embarrassment of trying and failing with him. Men have their limits, and seeing me react and then freak out is definitely not appealing. I don’t think it will happen, but I’m not ready to try yet. I need a few more days, a few more moments like this, where he helps erase my past.
“Too fast?” Julian senses my hesitation and kisses me gently. “I’m not rushing you. I don’t want you to think that,” he reassures, then readjusts my hips.
“You’re shoulder,” I blurt out, concerned about his injury.
“I’m fine,” he assures me.
I nod and wrap my arms around his neck. “I want your goodnights and good mornings, Julian, it’s just…” I pause, grappling with honesty. “What if we start something and I realize I’m not ready? I’ve only been with one other person, and it wasn’t good.”
There, it's out. A sliver of my secret.
God, it feels good.
Suddenly, I feel overwhelmed with emotions.
Julian pulls my back off the wall, replacing it with his hands as he raises them higher to hold me in a tight embrace. "You control how fast or slow we go, Poppy. I don’t care as long as I get to see you.”
A knot forms in my stomach.Just keep being honest, Poppy, tell him. “I’m not the type of girl who takes what she wants. What I mean is...” How do I tell him I like a dominant man but one who still respects and listens to me? One who controls the pace but also watches out for my reactions.
I thought Andrew was this man; he was always so controlling, but the night of the party changed everything. Maybe some of the fault is mine, he said I kept tempting him. Maybe I pushed him too much.
Or maybe you are still making excuses for him. Stop protecting a monster, Poppy.
“You want me to be in control. To take the lead,” he states as if he can read my mind.
I nod, my eyes reflecting trust and a hint of vulnerability.
I believe in female empowerment and women taking what they want, but I'm just not the kind of woman who pushes a guy against a wall, rips his pants off, and takes what she wants. That's just not me, but I applaud the women Like Harper who can do that. It just doesn't turn me on.
That's what's been so hard – trusting someone else to control the pace of our relationship, to take the lead. I'm more of a submissive.
“That’s fine,” Julian replies, his voice reassuring. “I’ll control our ship, but you control our anchor. Whenever you want me to stop or slow down, just tell me.”
“I don’t want you to think you’re the problem.”
“I don’t,” he assures me. “I know something in your past is, and I look forward to erasing your past with better memories of our future.”
I feel content, so happy that it startles me. That nagging voice in my mind starts to chatter, trying to ruin my moment. I know the facts: Julian and I barely know each other, yet it feels like he's known me for years. I should slow things down, but I don’t want to.
I rest my cheek against his chest, listening to the steady thumping of his heart. His next exhale sounds peaceful.
“Where’s your bedroom?” he whispers.
My muscles tense, a mix of excitement and nerves coursing through me.
“I’m not going to sleep with you, Poppy,” he assures me as he shifts my weight, still holding me. "Just trust me."
“To the left, the last door past the kitchen,” I direct him, my voice a soft murmur.
