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He rocks his knees from side to side, gently nudging mine back and forth like a temptation. It's as if a force wraps around us, pulling our bodies closer even when fate tries to keep us professional.
"I don't want you to be a secret, but I also can't allow anything to happen between us publically, that is," he admits.
It jars me, and I feel rejected, which is silly because his offer is for the best.
"It's not what you think, Pumpkin," he presses, his hand reaching out to touch my knee but then retreats to his leg. "I'm insanely attracted to you. Fuck," he sighs, "I've never met a girl like you, which is crazy because we just met. I feel like I've known you for years. Like I can just relax with you."
“This is the ‘it’s not you, it’s me talk.” I interrupt him, “I’m not mad. I get it. You’re my boss.”
He clenches his jaw, “But you don’t. All I’m asking for is time.”
“What does that mean?”
"Something personal is happening in my life, and I don't want my mess to spill into yours. I'm juggling a lot of fires right now, and I want to extinguish them so you're not affected by any of my issues. I can't divulge all the gritty details," he begins. "The nature of my family business is dangerous. I'm sure HR had you watch the videos and tested you on the protocol."
I nod, feeling my forehead wrinkle in confusion. What other issues is he referring to?
“Roger in security was intro enough. Sterling Defense designs weapons. I’m used to working at a security company. I used to work at CypherTech, a cybersecurity company.” I say, swallowing a heavy stone of emotions. “It was my parents’ company.”
My emotions must tell him everything he needs to know because he gives me a moment of silence.
“We use CypherTech as a layer of our cybersecurity. It’s the best in the business,” he says with pride.
I blink rapidly, trying not to cry again. I wiggle to adjust my seating, but the stool makes me feel like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff.
“My parents were good at stuff like that. Sometimes, I think Harper should have been their daughter. She’s so good with computers. They would have been so proud of her. It was my dad who inspired her to learn code. She was at my house, and we snuck into my parents' office. My dad caught us and then showed us what he was working on. I had no clue what he was talking about, but Harper’s eyes widened. My dad told her about apps for kids that taught code. Harper downloaded them, and a few years later, the FBI was raiding her house because she hacked into the Pentagon.”
Julian laughs. “No way.”
I nod, realizing I’m deflecting the topic of ‘us’ by talking about my past, but I can’t help it. Talking with Julian is easy and oddly therapeutic.
"They would have been so proud of you, too," he says seriously as he inches his hand closer to my knees. His exhale warms my face. "I lost my mom," he confesses.
My eyes shoot up, and we just stare at each other. My fingers inch out, reaching for his, as we share a silent embrace.
"I hated when people said they were sorry, so I won't tell you that," I say as I reach out and grab his left hand. "Thank you for telling me."
He interlaces our fingers. “I don’t know why, Pumpkin, but I feel like I want to tell you so many things.” He squeezes my fingers gently. “That’s why my plan feels like a bad one. I know it’s going to hurt you, and you probably are going to slap me and tell me to get out, but it’s the only plan I have that keeps you safe but still allows us to see each other.”
"Why would it hurt me?" I ask, looking down at our interlocked fingers, the prime example of masculine versus feminine. His skin is tan, some edges roughened and calloused from his time in the military. Julian's body bears visible scars, while my body conceals my battle wounds. Physically, I might appear unscathed, but mentally, it's a whole different story.
“Because I want to keep seeing you, I want to understand what it is about you that makes my heart skip a beat. You make me feel excited.” He glances down at his wounded arm in a sling, “I didn’t think I would feel enthused again.”
I bite my bottom lip, watching him struggle to confess his intentions.
“But I also can’t allow people to know that we’re seeing each other. It’s not safe for you; that’s why I should walk out this door just as your neighbor and boss.” He tilts his head up, meeting my eyes, “But I can’t because I’m selfish. I want to kiss you again. I want to do so much more than that. That’s why I want to keep our business life professional and not our home life. I want to keep us a secret.”
Chapter 28
Poppy
I thought Cupid’s arrows to the heart were supposed to feel good.
It feels like Julian just struck my heart. It hurts.
A secret. Exactly what I told him I didn’t want to be.
“It’s not how it sounds,” Julian blurts out, urgency lacing his words. “Please hear me out.”
