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Because of that - I'm struggling today.
I hate thinking about the past like that. I don't need this reminder.
It's pissing me off.
I stand up, leaving my cold coffee where it is. I should do something. I can't just sit here all day watching the shit show.
A doctor bumps into me as he walks down the hallway towards Elena's room.
"Sorry." He mutters quickly and then hurries on.
I stare after him, wanting to go and look - but not being able to face so many people.
Images flash in my memory -- sitting in the hospital ward next to Merelda's bed. Holding her tiny hand in mine and listening to her strained breathing and the beeping monitor attached to her heart.
I push the images aside.
I can't actually watch this anymore. I have to get out of the way where I can't see everything that's happening. I need space.
I head to my study, pour a whisky and sit by the window to wait for everything to be done and for everyone to get the fuck out of my house. I thought having a young child here might bring back memories, but I didn't imagine just how difficult it would be.
I down my whisky and pour another. Leaning back into the chair I close my eyes, sighing heavily. I must've drifted off at some point because I was dragged into a weird dream about shadows lurking in abandoned hospitals. Dark feelings that drag me down, down, down -
One of the housekeepers comes knocking on the study door. I wake up startled, spilling the last of my drink on my pants.
"Shit."
I glance at my watch. It's been over two hours since I came in here. I must have been pretty fucking tired to fall asleep like that.
The housekeeper clears her throat softly, drawing my attention towards her.
"Sir, you asked me to let you know once everyone was gone and the girl was settled in the room."
"And?" I snarl, turning the entire chair towards the open doorway where she's standing.
She jumps. "They're gone, sir. The little girl is asleep in her room now. I think she struggled a bit with the journey from the hospital and she was uncomfortable. The doctor gave her some meds to help her sleep."
I nod. "Fine."
The housekeeper bolts out of the study, wanting to get away from me as quickly as possible. Can I blame her for the sour expression on my face today? Why the fuck is my mood so dark?
I know the answer.
I put down the empty whisky glass and stand up. My legs are aching from sitting for too long. My head is thick, and my thoughts are heavy. Half of my mind is telling me I'll make it worse if I go and see the girl. But the other half of me knows I'm too curious not to.
I walk through the now quiet house into her room. The soft beeping of the heart monitor quietly drifts through the room -- a sound I know all too well.
Elena is asleep and the curtains are half drawn closed for her.
Standing at the foot of her bed I watch her breathing peacefully. Her dark hair is swept across the pillow and my throat tightens. She looks so similar to Merelda that it's breaking my heart.
Curiosity continues to push me, and I pick up her charts, lying on the table at the foot of her bed. The doctors have already updated her latest treatments -- the meds she's received since arriving.
The first page details her medication, dosage, and times of day that she requires each one. The first set has been ticked.
All of the medications sound familiar. Why would I know these names?
I flick the first page over.
