AllFreeNovel
Share Us
"A few days maybe. A week at most."
He nods.
Then he looks up at me.
"I can sit with her for a while if you want to go grab something to eat downstairs?"
"No - thanks man - but I'm not leaving."
"OK, then I'll bring you a coffee. Two sugars?"
I nod. I don't even care about coffee or food, but I want to be alone with her, so I nod. "Yes, two sugars please."
He stands up, his body language looking as though he is as relaxed as ever. I guess I can't expect everyone to look or feel as burdened as I am. It's not his daughter. And he is here trying to support me.
He comes around to my side of the bed and squeezes my shoulder. "I really wish there was something I could do. I would do anything for her."
I nod again, my throat tight with emotion.
Matteo leaves and I sit with my daughter's small hand in mine.
Her skin is warm and soft, slightly yellowed from the disease.
Alagille Syndrome. A failure of the liver. A genetic disease that she got from either her mother or her father. I haven't been able to face testing myself for the markers because I can't live with myself if I am the one who passed this down to her.
I've tested as a possible donor and all the doctor told me was that I am not a match.
He knows I don't want to know if I gave her this pain. He knows not to tell me anything.
"I'm so sorry my baby, my sweet angel. I am so sorry you had to go through all of this. Whatever happens from now - I just want you to forget this pain and find peace. Whatever that means for you."
I can't speak anymore because again I am drowning in emotion.
Two days later my beautiful little girl left this world behind. Her heart gave up on her and her tiny body was not strong enough to keep fighting.
Her mother? I have no idea where her mother was when it happened, but she signed the divorce papers and I never have to think about her again.
On the day of her funeral, it is pouring rain. Heavy, streaming sheets of it that are falling from the sky as though the heavens were crying for her little soul.
I stand beneath the black umbrella, not even caring or noticing who is around me because I can't pull my eyes off that tiny coffin that they are lowering into the ground.
It's covered in roses, roses that will be buried with her.
Roses that will warp and decay the same way her skin is going to.
The same way her body is going to fall apart, alone in the earth.
Soon the crowds move away and while the rain keeps falling from the dark sky above me, I stand alone at the side of her grave. I can't seem to move my feet. I can't seem to walk away. My body doesn't belong to me right now and I have no control over it.
Hours go by. I don't have a grasp of time.
Why didn't I fight harder for her?
Why didn't I do more?
Was there anything else I could have done?
Could I have saved her life?
