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It had been the performance of a lifetime.
Amelia’s cheeks hurt from smiling, when inside her heart was torn to shreds. She had stood beside her new sister-in-law throughout the proceedings, as Anton and Vanessa had declared their love for one another, as they had pledged to live and love for the rest of their lives, to honour and respect, and she’d known that only a few feet away from her was the only man she’d ever want to say those same words to, to make those same promises to, and yet he didn’t want her. The knowledge had been like a hammer in her head and heart throughout the entire wedding. Somehow, she’d kept her cool, listening as the words were spoken, smile pinned in place, and when, from time to time, her eyes had sheened with tears, she’d known it didn’t matter, because people would presume they were tears of happiness, instead of what they really were: an expression of absolute dejection.
Outside the chapel, everyone was full of joy, and Vanessa and Anton were the stars of the show, the couple everyone was looking at and adoring, so it was easy for Amelia to slip away a moment, to step through a narrow opening at the side of the ancient church and find her way through a path to a small courtyard with a fountain at the centre and a seat at the edge.
Checking the seat was clean, she sat down, and stared across the courtyard at the stone wall, eyes misting over.
She was tired. Exhausted. The act of a lifetime had cost her. She just wanted to curl up into a ball and sleep. Her eyes traced the old grout lines between the stones, seeking calm in its disordered sense, in the way the stones differed in sizes and shapes yet still somehow made up uniform lines. It was a warm day. She stretched her legs out in front of her, so the sun caught them in a triangle formed by the shape of the walls surrounding her, and she closed her eyes, trying to be still, to calm her racing mind and aching heart.
He was leaving.
There was nothing to be done about it, no more she could say, no further argument she could make. It was his life, his choice, and when she’d offered herself to him, all of herself, he’d politely, steadfastly declined. He didn’t love her.
Except, she couldn’t quite believe that. He’d said it, he’d been so confident, but, in her heart, Amelia suspected a love like she felt couldn’t exist without reciprocation. It had been born from what they shared, from the way they’d made love, the secrets they’d revealed, the deep, abiding trust they’d built, the care they had for one another. For a brief time, all too brief, she’d walked in lock step with another person. For the first time in her life, she’d had a true partner.
What did her hopes and beliefs matter though? He’d been adamant. He didn’t love her.
With a heaviness in her gut, she prepared to open her eyes and become Princess Amelia once more, to rejoin the wedding and the festivities. She sighed, then blinked, because she was no longer alone. Benedetto stood across the courtyard, in his stunning suit, looking too gorgeous to bear, and the last vestiges of Amelia’s heart splintered and cracked. She was preparing to resume her act, she just wasn’t quite ready yet.
Quickly she stood, turned away from him, did her best to assume the mask she knew she had to wear.
‘Your brother asked me to find you,’ he said quietly. ‘The cars are leaving.’
She didn’t turn to face him. ‘I’ll be right there.’ Damn it, her voice wobbled.
A moment later, he was at her side. ‘Amelia,’ he murmured, reaching out, putting his hand on hers. She flinched away.
‘I’m fine.’ Her chin jutted defiantly, but her eyes were moist.
‘Listen, about last night—’ She heard the tormented apology in his voice, and her chest seemed to split in half. This was all about guilt, obligation, the feeling he’d done the wrong thing.
She’d imagined everything.
‘There’s nothing more to say.’ She stared at him, and even then, she hoped. ‘Is there?’
He thrust his hands into his pockets.
‘You didn’t lie about your feelings? What you said last night, you meant it, didn’t you?’
He was quiet for a beat and then he made a gruff sound. ‘Yes.’
She closed her eyes on a fresh wave of pain. ‘If you care about me at all, please leave me alone. I have to get through today, tonight, I have to be what they all expect—I don’t have the capacity to feel this and to be that.’
His eyes raked her face and then he nodded. ‘Your car is ready.’
Grateful for the return to business, she spoke curtly. ‘Thank you. I’ll be right out.’
He left without a backwards glance.
In the morning, Amelia awoke with a sadness in her chest that was deeper and darker than any she’d known. Benedetto would leave today, and she would never be the same.
She wouldn’t see him again.
He would manage that carefully, ensuring that if he visited Anton, Amelia wasn’t present. She just knew he would avoid her, to avoid hurting her again, to avoid the risk of anything more happening between them.
Accepting the reality of that, knowing he was out of her life for good, was incredibly counterintuitive.
He was the love of her life, but she had to accept his decision. Suddenly, she couldn’t bear to be at the palace for all of the post-wedding activities, the necessary farewells. She couldn’t bear to see Benedetto again. If they were to go their separate ways, then she wanted it to be now. Like the ripping-off of a plaster, she would never see him again. It was what he wanted.
