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“You didn’t run away?”
“No.”
Bren’s eyes widen. “Oh, Lou!” He lets go of me. His disbelief resembles that of a child’s, then shame is reflected on his face and he looks down. “I didn’t trust you. I hurt you again!” He says it as if he can’t believe it himself.
I shake my head wildly. Of course he hurt me, but today wasn’t the worst. I think of my jump, my ankle, Ethan’s gaze, and the hot interstate exhaust fumes. I just want to cry, mostly because of Bren. I don’t know anyone who stands in the way of his own happiness so much.
Exhausted, I hobble to a tree trunk and slide down to the ground, my legs shaking. Grey follows me and watches over me like a sphinx. I turn my head so Bren doesn’t see my tears, wrap my arms around Grey, and cry into his fluffy fur. Bren makes it so difficult for me, but what’s worse, I never thought his doubts and episodes would bother me so much. My heart aches from his lack of understanding and his unjust anger. And now, of all times, I have to think of Ethan standing on the interstate in his ripped pajamas. And how he stood at my father’s grave and only cried at night. I wonder if I can live with Bren if he’s not going to change.
“Lou!” All of a sudden, he’s crouching next to me and gently resting his hand on my back. Grey growls.
“It’s okay,” I sob under my breath, not knowing who I’m saying it to. Bren tentatively strokes my wet hair. I recall his words: that for a long time he had repressed a part that he called the little boy. Maybe this part has not grown up and still thinks and acts like a five-year-old. He may have learned to accept this boy and examine his memories, but he may still take control at times and simply cannot think logically.
“Maybe I’m not what’s best for you,” I say quietly. “Maybe I’m not good for you.” That’s what his psychologist said, too.
“Hey, shush, I’m sorry,” he whispers close to my ear. His soft words hurt a lot more than his hard grip, but I don’t think he’s aware of it.
“When it comes to you, my mind just goes crazy,” he continues, quietly and reassuringly. “I imagine the wildest things and believe they’re true. But you are here. You’re right. I was a fool—as I’ve already proven many times over.”
I suppress a sob. I’m so relieved he has recovered. Everything will be fine. He calmed down and a lot quicker than I thought. I turn to him and look at his guilt-ridden face.
“Stop crying, Lou, please!”
“I’m trying,” I say, half crying, half laughing, which makes him smile. Warmth floods me. It’s okay again. Everything’s okay again. We made it, at least for today. Do you remember, Lou: one day at a time. Like when you escaped, and again in the parking lot in Hudson’s Hope. Step forward, step back.
He wipes the tears from my cheeks with his fingers. His skin is rough and calloused, his touch as delicate as a beating wing.
“You’re injured!” he says abruptly and lets go of me. “May I?”
I nod and lift my foot so he can examine it. He pulls out another piece of glass, then casually unwraps the scarf from my neck and uses it to bandage my foot. He pockets the money that tumbles out.
“I wanted to call you, but there was nobody I felt safe enough to borrow a cell from,” I say, almost apologetically.
“You couldn’t have talked to me anyway.”
“Why?”
“Let’s just say I was in a miserable state.”
“Did you have an episode?”
He nods gravely. “I paid the damage, Lou. But it was…bad. Let’s not talk about it. The important thing is that I didn’t hurt anyone. So, tell me about your brothers instead, that’s much more important.”
“Bren, I want to know,” I insist, pulling myself up with the hand he offers. “We belong together. Therefore, it’s just as important to me to know how you’re doing and vice versa.”
He’s smiling again and I’m relieved. I expected him to snap at me. “I’ll tell you later, okay? The first priority is to get you somewhere warm while you tell me what happened.”
Get you somewhere warm. Just the thought of it makes my teeth chatter and I become very aware of our situation. “We can’t go back,” I say, feeling the weariness in every bone.
“I hadn’t planned on going back,” he states as if it were the most natural thing in the world. He carries me on his back like last summer. Now he’s confident and strong again. For some reason, there is no middle ground with him, he is either one or the other.
It’s strange. Last year, I thought our situation was complicated. I was confused about my feelings. I was homesick and I wanted to go back to my brothers—but not leave Bren. My heart was split in two, one piece beating for Bren, the other for Ethan, Avery, Liam, and Jay. Today, it seems to me that last year’s decision has finally been made. I chose Bren and I’m sure Ethan will accept it one day. He simply needs time to process everything. I can’t expect him to fully grasp what happened in a week. In fact, I’m sure he will be sympathetic once he has thought about it a little longer. And once he understands, I’ll see him and the others again. I simply have to. Still, there’s one more thing I need to know.
“Bren?”
“Lou?”
“Ethan said you talked to him. Back at the RV. The day you kidnapped me.”
