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Still, I think she avoids putting details into her writing in case the journal is ever lost or discovered. Or if it’s taken from her.
Chapter Ten
Most of all, Eve, I’m afraid that you will have been infected with the thing they did to me. If you feel that awful power runs through you, too, don’t ignore it. Treat it with care and respect. I can’t tell you there’s a good side to it but, if you take care and learn, you can minimize the risks and the harm it can do to others. Who knows how much it rips us up inside, though. I really hope and even pray you don’t have it.
Chapter Eleven
I put most of that out of my mind and thought no more about it. I re-read all the passages of my mother talking to me. Sharing how she was feeling. Her wonder at the sunset, the simple pleasures she was able to take. I had only the faintest sense of what she had been through.
All I wanted now was to find her. To know my mother. To learn what had happened, what had been done to her. I think of her now, and she must have been my age or even younger, dragged by force into the savage and inhuman schemes of a hard-faced government agency, relentless behind a steel cape of law.
As an attorney, I know how it works. The law is a fine and intricate machinery, a wonder to work with and a marvel of what can be created, with thoughts and words alone. The decades, centuries-old coding of human hopes and dreams into structures and complex networks of pathways.
For any unfortunates who come up against it, though, it can be a monolith, a crushing weight. People can fall into its cogs, often completely innocently. For them, unless they have resources, it’s a hammer. A huge meat-grinder.
That was what sparked my passion for law in the first place. Like my first law professor said, ‘If you don’t love the law, you haven’t understood it. But if you don’t hate it, you haven’t seen it in action.’
Professor Lightman said, ‘In the law, we have created a perfect machine to regulate ourselves. We gave it all the best of our mindless lust for vengeance, and we set it loose. Holding it back takes all the strength and determination we can muster.’
Journal
Savage
This disgusting and terrifying life they’ve trapped me into has turned me savage.
I was always what the teachers called ‘challenging’ and ‘disruptive.’ ‘Troubled’ and ‘disordered.’ They said I had ‘behavioral issues.’ I needed ‘attitude adjustment.’ They sent me to the school M.O., and she gave me pills.
They made it all much worse when I took them. I felt like I was swimming, submerged in thick mud.
But I hardly ever took them.
I saw what the M.O. felt when she wrote out the prescription. My head throbbed, and I left with a feeling like I’d dropped down a well.
I knew that whatever it was she wanted the pills to do, it had nothing to do with making me feel any better and everything to do with giving her an easier and a quieter life.
Journal
Nice Couple
They told me they had a ‘nice couple’ who would give you a ‘loving home.’ Of course they did.
It took me a long time to find out the truth.
I was too young and stupid then to realize, they would do anything sooner than send me to jail.
I could have used that. I’m so sorry.
Journal
Anything
This is where I should say, ‘I would give anything.’ But I don’t have anything to give. If I did, I would.
Journal
Gift
The ‘gift’ they call it. My ‘Talent.’
