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Wait. I’ve done a lot of that. Waiting to be accepted. Waiting for things with Josh to get better. Waiting for our marriage to feel stable. Waiting for our life to feel like it was supposed to.
Of course I want a plan. Of course I want safety.
But I can’t wait any longer.
THEN
The two-on-one date is a nasty surprise.
New York Gillian and I eye each other over Josh, who’s sitting between us in the back seat of the SUV, looking ahead and occasionally sharing fun historical or geographical details about the area with the energetic charm of a tour guide.
But neither of us is here for tour guide vibes. So Gill and I suffer through it with what I’m convinced is a secret competition of who can seem the most genuinely interested.
It turns out there aren’t as many synonyms for fascinating as I thought.
Out the window, the California landscape has dried into rolling yellow hills roasting under the morning sun. A view that makes you thirsty just by looking.
“This is Antelope Valley,” Josh says. “Just half an hour away now from Vasquez Rocks Park.”
We’re rock climbing today, which would be exciting, except for the two-on-one aspect, which, according to the rules of the show, means that Josh will eliminate either Gillian or me by the end of the date. Gillian and I both had to pack our bags this morning, so that whoever gets eliminated is ready to go quickly and with no fanfare.
“So you’re a rock climber, Josh?” says Gillian. She sounds different than normal. Like she’s trying to be sweet instead of her sarcastic self.
“Yeah, there’s a climbing wall in Indianapolis I go to with some buddies. But this is my first time climbing in the great outdoors.”
“I can’t wait,” says Gillian, which is such a lie. She hates anything that makes her sweat. She smiles at me. “You’ll need extra sunscreen, Jules.”
“I brought some,” I say, smiling back.
At the park, climbing experts help us into the gear. Then, the three of us scale a red cliff that juts sideways out of the land, like a crashed spaceship. It’s spectacular, and I find I’m a natural at locating footholds and nooks to grip on my way up. I’ve never sweated so much in my life, and as the dry breeze moves against my wet skin, I’m surprised to find that I love the feeling.
Josh, showing off his pure muscle in a sleeveless tank, arrives at the top first. I arrive second, and after a high five, we peer over the edge together. Gillian is still struggling toward the middle.
“You should go back down and encourage her,” I say, squinting at Josh’s handsome form. His tank is drenched in sweat, his scent strong. Mmm, why is that such a turn-on?
“Really? You’re encouraging me toward the competition?” He flexes his arms behind his head. “I thought this was going to be a catfight to get my attention.”
I laugh. “I don’t think a few minutes more or less with you is going to make or break either of us.”
He grins. “Alright. I’ll go be a gentleman.”
Shielding my eyes from the sun’s glare, I watch him descend. After he and Gillian make it to the top, we all high-five. Then we rappel down.
As I chug water from a cooler, Josh asks Gillian to take a walk alone with him. I entertain myself during their absence by gazing out at the stark landscape and chatting with one of the camera guys about his fiancée. He lets me try on his sunglasses, and I make silly faces for the confessional camera while he asks me about the day so far. I can see a team setting up a fancy picnic some distance away.
When Josh comes back, Gillian-less and with a heavy step, I rise to greet him.
“So...that sucked. I just said goodbye to Gillian.”
I reach out both my hands, feeling a mix of euphoria and genuine sorrow that I didn’t get to say goodbye to Gill. I’ve come a long way from my nest-of-vipers days. He takes my hands and squeezes.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “She was special, you know?”
He looks at me with a kind of wonderment. “See? This is what makes you different. You’re so nice, even when there’s no payoff. Some of the other girls...well, I guess I shouldn’t tell you the kinds of things they say. If I’m being a gentleman.”
Of course I’m curious, but I’m also smarter than that.
“Yeah,” I agree. “Why let other people’s negativity ruin the moment?”
