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Tears filled my eyes again, though I could’ve sworn I’d cried them all out. I bit my bottom lip and turned my back to the door, wrapping my arms around my knees again.
“Angela, baby, say something. I don’t wanna kick this door down, but I will.”
“I’m fine, Ryan,” I said in an unreliable, shaky voice.
“Okay…good.”
There was silence, and for a moment, I thought he’d left, which made me feel relieved, and at the same time, made me want to curl up in a ball and waste away.
Then I heard, “Angela, I need to say something to you. I need you to listen to me, and then if you want me to go, I’ll go.”
I didn’t reply.
“All right. Baby, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. What I said…look, I’m a fucked-up dude, I got all these issues, and I’m scared of commitment and shit. I honestly don’t deserve you. You’re too good for me. I know that, but…but I love you, Angela. I do, and I was just stressed and I don’t deal with stress or conflict well. I don’t know how to deal with it. So for most of my life, I’ve just avoided it. That’s why I didn’t do relationships before. But you…I’m different with you. I…”
His voice trailed off and I lifted my head, turned around, and stared at the door.
“Angela, I don’t want to lose you and I don’t wanna lose who I am with you. Look, baby, I know you’re scared about the future, and so am I, but I can promise you this, the end of my job here won’t be the end of us. I just need more time to figure out how to make that happen. I know you think this should be easy, but it’s hard for me.”
My face screwed all up as more tears came. I buried it between my knees and hiccupped air.
“Angie?”
I sniffled, and stuttered out, “You-you love me?”
“From the bottom of my damn soul, baby. Been driving around all night, trying to convince myself that I didn’t, because the thought of it scares the shit out of me. But I do. I love you, and I need you. And I’m sorry for hurting you.”
I fumbled with the lock on the doorknob, finally getting it to turn. When Ryan opened the door and looked down at me, his eyes red-rimmed, wearing a worried and exhausted expression on his face, I said, “You didn’t get any sleep?”
“How could I?” he asked, as he sat on the bathroom floor beside me, drawing me into his arms.
“But you have work.”
“I know. I’ll be all right.” He kissed my forehead. “Are you all right?”
I nodded against his chest. “I am now. I’m sorry for pushing you. You were already stressed and I just added to it.”
“But that doesn’t make what I said right.”
“Ryan, I knew you didn’t mean it when you said it. I could see it in your eyes, knew it in my heart, but it hurt to hear it. It hurt to think you could even say it whether you meant it or not. And then you left…and I started thinking you meant it.”
“Baby, you told me to leave.”
“I know, I just…you hurt me.”
He rubbed his hand up and down my back. “I’m sorry. I…that wasn’t me. Not the me I am with you. That was someone I used to be. Someone who never gave a damn about anyone but himself. You helped me become better. I don’t know what else to say but I’m sorry, baby. I am.”
“I believe you.”
“And I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
“No one’s said that to me since my mother died.”
I looked up at him. “Baby…”
“It’s all right. It’s just good to finally hear it again. Especially coming from you.”
