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“It’s not my story to tell.”
I rack my brain for the memory of when I asked her about coming back, but nothing stands out.
“For some reason that even Einstein couldn’t figure out, she wants you, Jude, and you just keep pushing her away. One day you’re going to push her away completely.” Ben stares at me.
I read Mom’s tombstone. She was way too young when she died. “We only have so many years on this earth. Some lives are shorter than others. I don’t want her to have regrets. Wake up one day and look at me and think about the would’ve, could’ve, should’ves.”
Dad laughs, shaking his head at me like I’m an idiot.
Ben joins in.
Emmett picks at the grass.
“I’m not like Ben. I don’t show my emotions. I’m a pissy, moody son of a bitch.”
“Not with Sadie,” Emmett says and nods when I look at him. “Not with her, you’re not.”
“Yeah, you could slit our throats with a look, but Sadie doesn’t get that side of you. She gets this Jude that no one recognizes,” Ben says.
“You can’t always figure out why someone loves you, son. Sometimes I’m not sure how I got your mother to fall in love with me. That was a miracle in and of itself. And there’s so much I regret every day. Fights we had. Times when I didn’t rush home to her. But everyone here knows that Sadie loves you, Jude. And you love her. I probably should’ve hugged you more, told you how great you were, but I was trying to raise you…” Dad stops talking and swallows hard. “Somewhere, I missed it.”
I look at him. “What?”
Ben gives me a look like I should already know what Dad’s talking about.
Dad clears his throat. “I missed teaching you that you deserve to be loved. That you’re enough. I think maybe that’s something a mom gives her child. Unconditional love. Whereas I always made demands of you and wanted you to be responsible.”
“Don’t blame yourself. Jude’s the only messed up one of the three of us.” Emmett gives me a wide smile.
Fucker.
“Let her love you, Jude. Let yourself be her number one.” I fight back tears as my dad continues. “You’re enough, son. You’re a great man, hardworking, honest, and caring.”
I want so badly to push past my barriers. So badly.
“You’re gonna make me cry.” Emmett pretends to wipe a tear.
“Go get your girl,” Ben says. “I know you’re not used to groveling but get those knees dirty.”
I stand there for a minute, letting everything they said settle in my brain until I know they’re right. And I know what I have to do.
“You straight now?” my dad asks.
I nod. “Yeah. Thanks.”
“One of us was bound to be screwed up. Sorry it was you.” Emmett stands, knowing it’s time for a group hug.
“Fuck off.”
“Huddle time,” dad says.
We circle Mom’s tombstone, linking our arms and staring at it.
“Love you,” we say in unison.
Back on our horses, we’re quiet on the ride back down the hill.
I’m not sure I’d ever have my head on straight if it wasn’t for my brothers and dad. I’m pretty sure I’ll always fear Sadie wanting more than I can offer her, but she knows what she wants. If she’s happy with me, who the hell am I to argue?
