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“Kaien said they branded you after what they did in my village.” At his sharp intake of air, she wrapped her arms around his lithe waist as if to protect him from the memories. “I’m sorry.”
He gently traced the ruined flesh by memory and was happy to discover the lines of her mating mark had overlaid them. Her mark was the only scar he’d ever wear proudly.
“It is what it is. They were determined I’d never ‘sully myself’ with companionship, mortal and immortal alike. Their words. When Nina and Kaien took me in at seventeen, it was the first time I realized that not all immortals were evil.”
Silence stretched between them in the moments that followed, but it wasn’t uncomfortable or tense and Remmus relaxed.
“Will you do something for me, Remmus?”
“What would you ask of me?” The dark blond slashes of his eyebrows pulled together, and the vulnerability she saw there breaking her heart in two.
“Don’t hurt yourself, Remmus,” came her murmured prayer. “Don’t let them hurt you anymore.”
“I can’t, Ava. I physically have to, and if I resist, it only gets worse.”
“Luna said she could help you.” Pleading now, Ava’s hands linked around his once more. “And she said that the poison or Zeke’s fire loosened the coercion.”
Remmus’ resignation wavered, inciting the smallest modicum of hope to slip from his soul. She continued speaking, begging now.
“Please Remmus, imagine a world where you didn’t have to. Where you could say thank you and apologize and fail at something and not feel like you have to cut yourself every time.”
Poignant, bitter fear resonated through their mating bond, a deep shame flowing behind it. Hanging his head, Remmus let her nestle her head into his neck, breathing in his fresh minty scent.
“My mother’s coercion is part of me, Ava. What happens when Luna can’t unravel it? Or what if it works and changes who I am? What happens if it’s the only thing holding me together?”
“I’ll hold you together, Remmus. The coercion was never meant to be a part of you, and the only thing it’s ever succeeded in doing is hurt you.”
Breathing deeply, the she-wolf tried to let her touch calm him. Her mate trailed his fingers down the side of her arm, the skin pebbling at the light touch.
“Letting someone into my head again … I’m not sure I can do that. Allowing anyone past my shields has only ever hurt me.”
“That’s not true, Remmus.” When he went to shake his head, she grabbed his chin. “It’s not true. What about Nina? What about Kaien? You’ve let them through your shield in the past, haven’t you?”
A fraction of hesitation furrowed his brow. “But it’s different. I know them. I trust them.”
“Do you not trust Luna?”
“I do trust Luna. I would just be exposing myself to being hurt again. Willingly.”
Before she knew it, the words had left her lips. “If she hurt you, I’d cut out her heart before she could even draw another breath.”
“I know you would, Blondie,” he chuckled, then grew solemn. “But I’m not very eager for my mind to be a war zone again.”
Sensing the general direction of the conversation, Ava’s deflating balloon of hope rapidly sputtered empty. It was as if the promise of his healing she’d carried had suddenly evaporated, leaving her absolutely bereft.
Shoulders sagging, Ava’s fingers tightened around his while tears burned in her eyes. Having no more to say, and not knowing the course forward, she simply said, “I don’t know how to help you. Watching you hurt yourself is the worst form of torture for me.”
Before she knew it, he’d dragged her into his lap, swaddling his arms around her as though he were scared she’d leave. Gently wiping away the tears that tracked down her cheeks, Remmus pressed a kiss to her lips before carefully taking her face in his hands.
“I’m so sorry, Ava, I didn’t know it hurt you, too.”
When his hand clenched and his knuckles frosted white under the strain, tears burned in her eyes. “I love you, Remmus. Your pain is my own. To think about you hurting because of our bond—it’s unimaginable.”
A strangled sob caught in his throat, and for a minute, he hid his face from her. She felt his misery at the prospect of hers, the agony she’d face while he took out his compulsions on his own flesh.
And she felt the bravery that followed.
“Okay.” Quiet, Ava almost didn’t hear the word as it left his lips.
