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My body never would have been destroyed, my innocence never violently stolen, my world never crushed into a million shattered pieces. I would never have to fear coming home, never have to fear what might happen if I open my door, never have to fear showering. I would never have to know what it feels like to be pinned down, never have to feel the rough carpet indented on my face, never have to peel clumps of dried blood from my skin.
Never have to wipe my father’s cum from between my legs.
My nose wouldn’t be broken. There wouldn’t be bruises covering my skin, and my throat wouldn’t be raw from screaming for him to stop.
They abandoned me here and refused to listen to my cries when I begged them to take me. They thought I’d be better off, but they’ve never been so wrong. In what world is this better? In what universe is this where I’m supposed to be?
God, why didn’t they just take me with them? Why didn’t they listen to my cries?
They never should have left.
What happened tonight, it never would have happened if they were still here, if they’d taken me with them just like they always promised they would.
They lied to me. Ezra lied.
It’s all their fault. Axel and Ezra, the very men who vowed to always protect me, and they let me down, and no matter how many sweet words they send to me, nothing will ever make this okay.
I hate them. God, I hate them so much.
They left me to the wolves and now . . . I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same.
26
Raleigh
The private jet touches down in LA, and I pull myself out of the warmth of Dylan’s arms. It was an awkward flight home. After spending the night riding Ezra’s dick, we each went back to our respective hotel rooms and haven’t spoken a word since.
Apparently we have great sexual chemistry, but when it comes to talking . . . zero.
It’s almost ironic how it used to be the other way around. We used to talk until the early hours of the morning while he did everything he could to avoid getting physical with me. Now as adults with our own forms of trauma, talking is the last thing I’m prepared to do.
As I boarded the jet, I was faced with three options—Ezra, Rock, or Dylan.
Ezra looked at me with expectation, as though if I dared to sit down beside him, he was going to ask questions I wasn’t prepared to answer, and in return, I would end up trying to seduce him to avoid having to talk at all. Rock already had his drumsticks in his hands, so sitting down next to him meant probably being used as a drum the whole flight—and I don’t mean the good kind of drum where you’re banged in the bathroom for the duration of the flight. And Dylan, sweet, loveable Dylan. He gave me a goofy smile and looked as though all he wanted to do was sleep.
BINGO!
I sat down beside him while awkwardly avoiding Ezra’s stare, he looped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into his side, and that’s exactly where I stayed until now. Don’t get me wrong, while I might have been physically comfortable, I was anything but.
I would have killed to spend the flight snuggling with Ezra, to feel his warmth wrap around me, but we’re not there yet, and honestly, I’m not sure if we’ll ever be. There’s too much to unpack, too much heartache and trauma to work through.
Instead, I listened to Dylan gently snoring in my ear as I stared at the three pendants hanging around Ezra’s neck. Axel’s ring, the guitar he got from his mom before I even knew him, and the simple R that shows after all these years, I’m still home to him.
The boys have two weeks off to chill at home before we’re due to get back on a flight and head to Portugal, and until then, I’m lost. Obviously, I’ll spend some time with Madds and probably have to check in with the label, but for the most part, I don’t know where to go. I don’t have a home here, and I don’t particularly want to go running to Lenny and ask for another fancy hotel room.
Hmmmm I wonder how Rock or Dylan would feel about me crashing at their places. Or maybe Madds. She has a small apartment, roughly the size of a shoebox, but I’m sure she’ll be down with it. Just like old times. I can spend my nights choking on the overwhelming scents of her billion and three candles. It’ll be perfect.
Pulling out of Dylan’s hold, I shove my elbow into his side, waking him up. The idiot could sleep through a tornado. “We’re here,” I tell him as he scrunches his nose and drags his hand across his face, making me smile. I can’t wait until he falls in love and finds that one special girl who’s going to change the game for him. She doesn’t know it yet, but she’ll be the luckiest girl who ever lived. Dylan is a catch. He’s the whole package, and if it weren’t for our brother-sister relationship or the way I whole-heartedly belonged to Ezra, I’m sure as a teen, I probably would have crushed on him.
The thought sends an icy shiver down my spine. I can only imagine what my father would have had to say about that.
Getting to my feet, I grab my coat and go to make my way off the jet, only Ezra stands at the same time, and we awkwardly meet in the middle. His hand immediately comes to my waist, and I feel every eye on us, waiting to see what will happen. “Are you . . . ummmm. Do you know where you’re staying for the next two weeks?”
I force a smile across my face, but it doesn’t reach home, both of us knowing how fake it is. “Yeah, I’m good.”
“Okay, well then, I guess I’ll see you in two weeks.”
Two weeks? Fuck. That suddenly seems like a lifetime, but also, fuck him for not wanting to see me before that. “Yeah,” I say, my fake smile falling away as I press my lips into a hard line. I turn and start making my way off the jet, not wanting to say goodbye. After all, that’s not what we do. Besides, what’s two weeks away from him when I’ve already have eight years of practice under my belt?
