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I didn’t see her.
I gripped the metal stand hard, drawing it to me, pressing my mouth firmly against the microphone. My lips parted as I breathlessly sang in a husky tone. As my body continued to move soulfully, I let the beat wash through me as the last chord rang out. “Because you're mine.”
The audience paused for a moment, and I slowly inhaled. That wait is always hard, not knowing if I hit the mark. Two or three seconds seem to last hours. Then the crowd cheered, standing in rapturous applause. I know I’m not the Raven Ramsey I once was. I don't sell out concerts or perform at sold-out shows. But this adoring crowd of my people made it bearable to accept that fact. Made it easier to acknowledge I was past my peak but still had something to share.
Hours and days passed. I went back to my normal routine, trying hard not to think about Claudia 24/7. I volunteered to host some of the daily activities, and I didn't bother to leave the ship, I was in a gray mood, and I didn't want to ruin any amazing destinations by bringing my storm cloud with me. I painted on a smile for the guests, and to be honest, being around a bunch of vacationers, it wasn't too difficult to feel the pick up from their excitement.
Urduja was on top-tier best friend behavior. While it was never easy to relax around her, as any second the boss would start hollering into her headset, she genuinely made the effort to distract me and keep me smiling. But after nearly three days of trying not to seek her out, it was time to accept the facts. Claudia just wasn't interested in me.
“Look, we need to go out. Let me nip back and get changed, and I will meet you at the bar,” Urduja said with a smile, and I raised my eyebrows. She frowned and paused for a second.
“Fineeeee,” she reluctantly agreed with an elongated e. “I will leave the bluetooth at home.” I gave her a huge smile as she sulked off.
I went to the Explorer's bar and ordered a diet Coke. I was comfortable in my jeans and a plain black tee. I had no plans to drink much tonight. I did have my fucking beautiful new heeled boots on , though. I just wanted to hang out and maybe watch the women’s soccer on the big screen and pretend I gave a shit just to have something to distract me. I didn't like to talk too much about my home life with Urduja. She’d happily open up, but I knew that beneath the feisty exterior she missed home a lot. A cruiseliner's life had opened up a world and possibilities to her and she was grateful for that, but it certainly came at a cost.
My diet Coke came and I took a deep drink, but it didn't really hit the spot. I let out a soft sigh as I debated ordering some whiskey to accompany it when I heard a soft yet undeniable voice beside me.
“No wine?” I took a second, composing myself before I turned to her. She looked the most casual I’d ever seen her, in comfy slacks and a loose blouse that screamed elegance and sophistication. I softly shook my head, then turned back to my drink, determined not to get my hopes up, as it could all just be a chance encounter.
“Do you mind if I take this seat?” she asked softly, and I felt my heart thunder in my chest. It took all my restraint not to launch into an absolutely yes please sit here and stay with me all night monologue, but I managed to keep some of my cool, at least.
I’m a performer, let’s not forget.
“Of course,” I confirmed with a gesture, and she slowly slid onto the stool, ordering herself a wine.
“I haven't seen you around,” she said.
A debate ensued in my head. Casual. I have been busy, true, but that was not the reason she hasn’t seen me. Honestly, I didn't like the way her constant rejection felt. True, but not the best start to the night.
“I was busy, and I didn't really get the impression you wanted to see me.” Diplomacy won in terms of an honest yet softened mash-up.
She hesitated, taking a long drink of her wine, as if mulling over how to respond. “I guess that’s fair. The thing is, Raven…” Someone came up behind her to order a drink and she stopped. It had apparently knocked her off her flow. I didn't want to push her. I wanted her to open up in her own time.
“Do you mind, if we get a table?” she asked, and I nodded. We both rose and made our way to the dark edge of the bar. I saw Urduja come in and spot me. She started with an excited wave and then saw I wasn’t alone. She beamed and gave me the thumbs up, which made my eyes widen as I gave her the cut-it signal just as Claudia turned around, so I had to quickly and awkwardly scratch my neck.
“Is here okay?” she asked me uncertainly, and I wondered what on earth I must have looked like.
“Yes, this is fine for me,” I replied, settling into one of the comfy soft leather seats.
“I know I haven't been very fair to you, Raven. The thing is, I absolutely did not want to be on this fucking cruise. I hate boats, I hate sailing around the UK, the internet is shitty, the food is too much, I can't get my work done, and I don't understand why I needed to be here.” It was the most I’d heard her say in one long consecutive sentence.
“I’m not here on vacation. I’m supposed to be ironing out the details of a merger. My company has been trying to get it finalized for months, nearly a full year. And Sue Smith, the woman you saw me with the other night—I need her, but I can't pin her down. She spends all her time on these,” she waved her hand around “fucking boats. So here I am trying to finish the merger, and it’s just so stressful. I’d much rather be at the office.”
I noted that she said at the office and not at home like someone else may have said in a similar sentence.
I nodded, taking a sip of my Coke, still not wanting to interfere with her flow of thought.
“I didn't expect to meet someone here. I mean, yes I’m gay, and this is a boat full of gays.” She paused.
I don't know what offended me more, to be referred to as “gays,” or to call this beautiful ship a boat, but I kept quiet.
“But I don't really date anyway, and I just wanted to get on and off. I was hoping I wouldn't even need to be here for the full cruise, but now it seems as if I’ll have to stay on for another trip around, as this needs sorting, and this is where Sue Smith will be—when I can get time with her in between her social schedule,” she said, her voice trailing off.
My pulse quickened. Another tour around, another ten days. She seemed so upset by the thought, but all I could think about was how maybe we’d have more time together.
“So, I have been distant with you, Raven. I didn't know who you were, and I was very grateful that first night in the restaurant. I had no idea the staff here could be such assholes, no offense.”
I chewed down the response that I wasn’t a member of crew staff but entertainment. And I was not an asshole.
