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Sabrina. I lost her. That’s how we got here. One girl tore us apart. My baby sister, dating Declan, sleeping with Travis on the side. One girl who stepped in between us, made us each lose something, and literally tore our lives apart.
“We’re not doing this for you,” Declan said, shaking his head in disgust.
“We’re doing it for Ash,” Travis added. “All of this is for Ash, you fucktard. You need to go upstairs and sweat it out, because by God, if you end up hurting Ash again, Sawyer, I won’t hold back. I’ll hurt you ten times worse.”
Even Declan had to look at Travis on that one, because the threat was spoken so seriously, so quietly, anyone would’ve believed it. Even me. Even me, as much as I felt like shit. I believed him, though I wasn’t sure what he meant about hurting Ash again.
My head spun. “I haven’t seen Ash since…” God, I couldn’t even remember. I could picture that girl’s face, how her storm grey eyes peered into my very soul, how her pink-tipped hair swayed in the breeze, but I couldn’t recall when I’d seen her last. Was that normal? My head…my head felt like it just didn’t want to work.
“You saw her last night,” Travis spoke matter-of-factly, sliding my phone into his pocket. The hand on the arm with the dragon tattoo curled into a fist, and it looked as though he was visibly struggling to hold himself back from me. “You saw her last night, while you were buried in her best friend. Or don’t you remember? I’m not surprised. You were fucking out of it.”
Buried in her best friend? As in…sex? I didn’t even remember having sex, but it wasn’t the first time in my life I’d blacked out, and it probably wouldn’t be the last. Even if these assholes made me sober, my sobriety wouldn’t last. It never did. I was a Salvatore. I had my ways.
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I was…” I thought I was at a Stanton party—and if I was, why the fuck was Ash’s best friend there? I didn’t even know who this chick was, didn’t know what she looked like.
Ugh. Last night was a blurry haze, and fought as I try to remember it, I just couldn’t. The memories might come in time, or they might not. Literally only time would tell.
Declan let out a sigh. “Trust me, Sawyer, Travis isn’t making it up. You messed up, and Ash is…she’s gone, and we’re trying to figure out how to get her back.” To Travis, he added, “You’re sure we can’t call the police?”
Under his breath, Travis whispered, “We don’t know the whole story. What if Ash…what if there’s more to her and Ray? If she…”
“Ray? Who the fuck is Ray?” I asked, wincing as my headache threatened to turn into a migraine. “You know what, I don’t care. Forget I asked.” I said nothing, not knowing what the fuck they were talking about, as I turned and carried myself back up the stairs. My head felt like a million pounds, and I really needed to lay down. I’d fight with those assholes later, once it didn’t hurt to talk.
Once it didn’t hurt to think…or be alive.
Chapter Five – Ash
Eventually I managed to get away from him and get in the shower. The satin slip was on the floor, and I stood, stark bare, in the newly-tiled shower, letting the warm water pelt my skin as if it could wash away all of the mistakes I’d made. And I’d made a lot. So many I couldn’t keep count anymore. Mistakes in my past, mistakes in my present. Just a whole bunch of mistakes all around, and I didn’t know how to stop making them. It was like I was stuck here, knowing I was fucking up, yet unable to do anything about it.
I was a victim of my own circumstances, of my own actions. Everything that happened to me, everything that will happen in the future, was all my fault. I didn’t owe it to Kelsey; I owed it to me and only me. A depressing thought, one that made me reach for the water handle and turn it more, making the water even hotter.
Perhaps, if I burned off the top layer of skin, I wouldn’t feel so dirty. So wrong.
I closed my eyes, tilting my head up to the water, letting the hot, scalding stream pelt over my face. Not only did I wish to wash away my mistakes, how horrible I felt, but also my memories. Out of everyone Kelsey could have slept with, out of every dick she could’ve used to try to get over her own man problems, she had to find one of mine.
Well, not that I owned any of the guys, but you know what I mean.
Mine, metaphorically. Mine, because I wanted it to be mine, wanted him to be mine, even though I shouldn’t.
Sawyer. Fucking Sawyer. I hated that guy so much, I did, really. No other guy had ever made me feel so awful in my life. Like I wasn’t good enough, like I was worthless. Sawyer had wanted to use me to his own advantage when it came to Declan, and when I told him I wasn’t playing the game he wanted, he revolted and took me down with him. The hair prank was stupid. Him telling me he was done hurt.
That night…when I ran from Declan, when I stumbled upon his house and found that he was out of his mind, my heart broke for him. Which was dumb, because he didn’t deserve sympathy from me, not after everything he did. Not after the girls he’d been with, including my best fucking friend.
But, even so, we all dealt with trauma differently, and there was no time frame for grief. He’d lost his sister, pushed away his friends, and now he had absolutely nothing. Sawyer was six feet under, in a hole he’d dug himself.
Hell, our holes were side by side, but they’d never be connected.
I knew it was only making it worse, me picturing that night, me remembering opening that bathroom door to see Sawyer balls-deep in Kelsey, but it was like I couldn’t help it. The thoughts came to me even though I was unwilling, dominating my mind, forced the thoughts to play on repeat. He was so out of it; did he even realize what he was doing? I’d never told him about Kelsey before, so there was no way he would’ve known who she was, but still. That didn’t make me feel any better. Sometimes mistakes hurt, whether they were purposeful or accidental.
And, anyway, it shouldn’t matter what cunt Sawyer stuck himself in. I shouldn’t care. Just because I had these stupid feelings for him didn’t automatically make him mine. I wasn’t like that. I knew, in my heart of hearts, he was free to sleep with whoever he wanted to sleep with, just as I was. Technically, me being with Ray wasn’t wrong.
No, it was. It was wrong for a different reason, because he was a psychopath. Because he was my ex. Because he was a fucking serial killer who was obsessed with me. He’d hurt Will and Declan, and who knew what else he’d do if I ever went back to them.
Besides, Sawyer said he was done with me, and he clearly meant it. How else could he lose himself like that? How else could he fuck anything with two legs and a pussy? God, I really hated thinking about it because deep down it hurt, cut like a knife—and I knew better than most girls how knives worked.
My head tilted down, and my eyelids lifted. I stared down at my hands in the water, picturing them covered in blood. I’d taken off the bandages; most of the wounds were starting to scab. If I would’ve stabbed Ray again, if I would’ve gone bananas and killed him in that cabin, would any of this be happening?
It was a moot point now. It didn’t matter, because Ray was here, and he was never going to let me go. Which, I hazarded to think, perhaps was a good thing. Clearly me being on my own only led to my misery. Misery regarding the rich Hillcrest students in my life…and confusion when it came to my feelings for them.
