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On the other hand, Declan looked…sad. Not really surprised, and I wondered if he already suspected. Travis had to have known, since I walked in here wearing nothing but a hoodie and a slip—which were still in the bathroom, in the sink, waiting to be burned. Declan’s dark eyes studied me, but he said nothing.
Neither of them said anything, which only made me feel like I had to keep talking.
Again, stupid.
“I know it was wrong. It was a mistake. I…” I paused, trying to think of the words to say, what to tell these guys to not completely break their hearts. Hearing that I slept with Ray must make them feel similar to how I did seeing Sawyer with Kelsey. “I loved him, even though it was wrong.”
“He’s a fucking pedophile who tried to mold you into himself,” Travis hissed, getting to his feet. As he stood, the wooden chair he sat on scraped on the floor. It was a loud, jarring sound, and it made me wince. “I need air.” He said nothing else as he left the kitchen, and a few moments later, I watched him leave out the back door. He collapsed onto a patio chair and instantly pulled out a cigarette, lighting it up.
“For what it’s worth, which probably isn’t much, I do regret it,” I whispered to the only guy left in the room. “He was my first love, and I was blinded by it.” By him, really.
Declan was quiet for a while, but soon he reached for me, weaving his fingers through mine. “You don’t have to explain. I…I get it. After Sabrina, I was lost for almost a year.” His thumb lightly ran over the top of my hand, sending tingles up my arm. “I’d still be lost, I think, if you weren’t in my life.”
I stared at him hard, feeling the need to hug him, to hold him, to tell him that he wasn’t as lost as he thought he was; he just needed a little push in the right direction. My fingers tightened around his, and I said, “I feel like I’m just making all of your lives worse. If it wasn’t for me, Ray wouldn’t have attacked you or your brother.”
His dark eyes shifted to the floor, and I couldn’t help but think about what Ray said. Did I stare at the face of a liar? I…I honestly didn’t want to believe it. If there was one Hillcrest boy I could believe in, I wanted it to be Declan.
Travis was the resident psycho, Sawyer was the eternal frat boy and playboy, and Declan was the sincere rock of it all.
Or…I thought he was, until Ray said that.
“Don’t blame yourself for what happened,” Declan eventually said, bringing his gaze back up to me. He moved our hands so they rested on his lap. “You couldn’t have known Ray was here. You thought he was going to be put away.”
“But he wasn’t.”
“No, he wasn’t, and now…”
I bit my lower lip. “Now he’ll be watching, waiting. I think it’ll be a while before he tries to come after any of you again, but he will. We need to be ready.”
Declan’s dark head nodded a few times, and I could tell, just by the far-off look he wore, he was lost in his own head. It took him a while to say, “Can I ask you something? Feel free to say no, or tell me I’m overstepping—”
I squeezed his hand. “You can ask me anything and everything.”
“Is this…” He swallowed hard as he glanced over his shoulder, at the windows that showed us the dark backyard. Travis was but a shadow outside, although the end of his cigarette lit up every now and then. Declan finally looked back to me. “Is this what you want?”
What…what did he mean? I opened my mouth to respond, to ask him to clarify, but then it dawned on me. Did I want him, did I want Travis? Did I…did I care for the fuckup upstairs? Of course. The answer to that would always be a resounding yes, even if it was wrong. I’d gone from a serial killer to a group of guys who were all messed up in their own ways.
But, you know what? I wouldn’t have them any other way. A simple life, an easy life—sounded nice on paper, but in reality? There were no simple and easy lives. Life was messy, convoluted, and relationships were never cut and dry.
Even if Declan had hurt himself on purpose, it wouldn’t change the way I felt about him. These guys…they’d taken up residence in the black hole in my heart Ray had left when I discovered how much of a monster he truly was. How could I possibly look Declan in the eyes and tell him that I didn’t want this?
This. This was what I wanted all along.
Chapter Twelve – Declan
I think we’d all be liars if we claimed to not care about what Ash just said. She slept with Ray. I hated hearing it, but I was glad she told us. The admission made me lose myself for a few moments though, because I remembered Sabrina, how we were constantly off and on, and I let her wander, let her do what she thought she had to.
This…this couldn’t be like that. I didn’t want Ash with anyone and everyone, but at the same time, I knew she cared for the others in this house. Or, well, in this house and the one brooding outside.
Travis had gone outside to smoke, probably to relieve whatever tension had arisen within him at her admission, but I couldn’t leave her side. Travis had snuck behind my back while I was with Sabrina, for months. Again, there was no way I’d let that happen here. I held a resentment toward him for what he did, but I…I was willing to overlook it—or try to—for the girl beside me.
There was a lot I’d do for Ash, and not a lot I wouldn’t.
When I asked her if this was what she wanted, I couldn’t help but wonder what her answer would be. What if she chose one of us? What if she didn’t choose me? I…I didn’t know how I’d handle that, frankly. It was always a fear of mine, after learning of Sabrina’s cheating with Travis, that I wasn’t good enough. That I couldn’t hold a girl’s attention without her needing to go somewhere else. I wanted to be enough, but I knew what Ash’s feelings were, and I’d meant it when I said I would share her.
As long as everything was out in the open, as long as no one lied to me, I would manage.
I held her hand on my lap, and I kept running small circles on the top of her palm, absentmindedly. I watched her, waiting for her response. Ash was lost in her own head, thinking, and the more time that passed by that she was silent, the more uneasy I became.
