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I had to. There was no turning back now, no taking back the things I’d done.
Sawyer was not the only fuckup in Hillcrest. I vied for his fuckup crown, and I just might have succeeded in taking it in the last twenty-four hours.
Maybe it was fate, or maybe it was just the direction I came into town from, but I didn’t see Hillcrest’s campus first. No. I came upon familiar streets first, the McDonald’s first. I could go to campus, or could keep going straight.
An intelligent Ash would’ve headed towards campus, would’ve gone to the dorm first. But Ray’s words lingered in my head, as did doubt about Declan’s innocence.
I couldn’t go there. Not right now. Not right away. I needed someplace where I could crash and sleep. Also I was starving, and walking by that McDonald’s only made me hungrier.
God, I could really use some chicken nuggets right about now.
Because I was me, because I was Ash and not some run of the mill chick, I headed down Main Street and went towards the big houses that were rentals for upperclassmen. My aching feet stopped me in front of a big white house, three stories, immaculate in every way. Clearly there were yard workers who did the dirty work of the house, because I knew the one renting this giant place by himself wouldn’t ever touch a lawnmower or a tree-trimmer.
Sawyer. My heart still hurt when I thought about him with Kelsey, but then again, it was a pain of my own design. It wasn’t like he cheated on me. We weren’t together. We were just two people, caught in the same web, but we weren’t in a relationship. I couldn’t hold him to the standards I’d hold a boyfriend.
I might’ve called these guys my boyfriends to Ray, but the truth was they weren’t. They were all too broken, kind of like me. There would be no happy ending for us, no relationship like there was between that girl at the bonfire, Elle, and her guys. My Hillcrest guys would never be happy together like that. There was too much history.
I heaved a giant breath before starting the long march to the front door. Deeper in the house, I spotted some lights on, and I wondered if he was awake, if he had a girl—or multiple—here. The sun had long set, and the dark night sky sat above me, full of sparkling stars and the silver moon. Maybe he didn’t have anyone over. Maybe Sawyer was too drunk or high.
Was it wrong that I wished he was? It would make this easier. I could use his shower, take some of his clothes, and then burn this hoodie and this slip, all while trying to tell myself not to have feelings for him.
Yeah, somehow, with my luck, I knew that would happen. There was probably a girl in there, and I tossed a glimpse to the driveway, spotting one other car beside his. It was not Kelsey’s rust bucket, so at least there’s that. Kelsey was either gone or back at the dorm. Either way, I didn’t want to face her. Not yet.
And if Kelsey told me she got into trouble after I left the party…then I wouldn’t know what to tell her. She was kind of like Sawyer, in a way, needing validation, needing someone to watch over her, to stop her from doing stupid shit that might end her life early. She was my friend, but damn, she was dumb sometimes.
We all had those moments.
I rolled my shoulders, returning my gaze to the door. It seemed like a massive door, or maybe I just felt immeasurably small in this hoodie, with no shoes. Maybe I simply felt like curling into myself and wishing this day would be over, that all of my hard times were in the past. A stupid wish, because no matter what I longed for, Ray was still out there.
Ray, my stalker. My first love. My serial killer. He wouldn’t let me go for long, so I had to use this time wisely.
My fingers curled at my sides, and I lifted my hand to knock—but I stopped as I spotted the doorbell, which glowed with its own inner light. Even in a pitch-black night, you’d be able to see that doorbell.
I rung it, only once. Just once to see if the owner of the house was sober. I knew, based on past experience, that Sawyer had a habit of leaving his door unlocked, for any and all to enter. Stupid especially, considering my ex and what he was capable of, but then again, maybe Ray didn’t view Sawyer as a problem. He probably assumed Sawyer would fuck up all on his own.
And, big shocker, he did.
Apprehension flowed through me as I waited. I’d wait a few minutes before barging in. It could be that Sawyer left some lights on without really thinking. He didn’t care about bills or electricity waste anyway. He was a Salvatore; he practically shit money.
I saw a shadow move inside, and my heart fell. He was up, somehow. Sober enough to move quickly. What—
All of my thoughts vanished the moment he opened the door.
It wasn’t Sawyer.
Chapter Nine – Travis
I sent Declan home hours ago. Well, back to his dorm, just in case Ash ended up popping her head in there. Just in case she made her way there and neither of us were there to receive her. I’d driven to Stanton, drove all through its campus, searching for her. I drove for hours and hours and returned with nothing. I sent Declan home shortly after that, knowing one of us should be with Sawyer.
I was in the living room, staring vacantly at the TV, at whatever stupid show plagued the channel on a Sunday night, when I heard the doorbell ring. On my feet the next instant, I wondered just who the hell it was. It was too much to hope that the ringer would be Ash, far too much to hope. Coming from my family, I knew hope meant little when you got down to it. Hope could not save you from reality.
Or death.
One hand flexed into a fist as I headed towards the door, my footsteps heavy. With my other hand, I reached out, expecting it to be…well, I wasn’t really sure. Someone not welcome here.
But it wasn’t.
It was the one person who I craved to see above all others, the one person who made me panic like crazy all of today, and all of last night. The one girl who had me wrapped around her finger, somehow, someway. She was the one person I would get on my knees and crawl for.
