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Sawyer was nothing. His antics were nothing. I might’ve gotten mad, but that’s all it was. Nothing deep.
Maybe it was because my mind was on him, but eventually I found myself skating out of campus, across the four-lane road that separated Hillcrest from the rental mansions, going to a certain white house I knew I shouldn’t.
What was Sawyer doing right now? Was he asleep? Was he balls-deep in yet another conquest? Didn’t he ever grow tired of the constant fucking? I mean, sure, it was fun, but when you did it all the time, didn’t it lose its special, shiny gusto?
I shouldn’t care. I shouldn’t let Sawyer flick across my mind for even the briefest, quickest moment, but I did care, and he did cross my mind. It was stupid. I was stupid, but then again, I never claimed to be the queen of rational, smart decision making. That crown belonged to someone else far, far away from me.
I slowed my skate once I saw his house, and as I bent to pick up the skateboard to hold it, I threw a look around. I’d done so many circles in campus, down so many random sidewalks that looked way different in the darkness, that I knew no one was following me. If Ray was out, I’d lost him.
But even monsters have to sleep at night.
No cars on the road either, not like I expected one to careen off the street, leap onto the sidewalk and hit me, but around these parts, you never knew.
Did Ray hit me, or was it someone else? That much remained to be seen, and honestly it was the last thing on my mind as my bare feet drew me up the walkway that led to Sawyer’s front door. Most of the lights were off inside; it wasn’t a party night since it was a school night. I did see a few lights on deeper in the house, and I stopped myself before his front door.
This was a mistake. Of course it was a mistake.
Remember how I said I wasn’t the queen of rational, intelligent decisions? Sawyer wasn’t the king, either. The prick made bad decision after bad decision. Honestly, there was nothing redeemable about him, at least nothing I’d seen yet. I didn’t even know why I liked him. He was an ass, through and through, a man-whore, using any girl he could however he wanted. His good looks were his only saving grace.
His good looks were not why I found myself at his door after running away from Declan, though.
Why was I here? Why did my hand reach for the knob to see if it was unlocked? What the fuck was I doing here, and what did I plan on doing if I was able to get inside?
I was a mess, and I craved another mess. Sawyer was perhaps the biggest mess of them all—that’s why I was here. It didn’t make much sense, but right now, me and sense were strangers. Sense and I weren’t getting along. My sense had long since flown out of the metaphorical window, not even waving as it went.
I tried the knob.
It was open.
Stupid, foolish rich boy.
I headed inside, throwing the lock behind me to make myself feel a bit safer. Ray could break in, I knew; he didn’t need an open door for an invitation. He’d make his presence known either way if he wanted to.
The light was on in the kitchen, and I went to see if he was there, making some kind of early-morning/late-night food. Sawyer wasn’t in the kitchen, and he wasn’t in the living room. I set my skateboard down at the base of the stairs, peering up. I knew heading up there might be a terrible decision, that I might see some things I never wanted to see again—namely, Sawyer with another girl—but did that possibility stop me?
No, no it didn’t.
I took the steps one at a time, tentative as I headed up. I came upon a dark hall, tiptoeing towards one of the many rooms upstairs. The house was huge; I never inspected all of it. The many rooms provided ample space for people to hook up during his parties. I passed his weight-lifting room, its door hanging wide open. That particular door was the only one that Sawyer kept closed during his parties. He took his working out seriously, more seriously than he did life.
I moved to his bedroom, finding the door half-open. The big light wasn’t on, but the lamp was. I quietly peered inside, finding only one set of feet hanging off the bed. Sawyer, the skank of all skanks, was alone.
Huh.
Didn’t know why, but seeing him alone made me…conflicted.
I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t have come here. I knew as much, and yet I did, willingly. What did that say about me? And what did my urge to go into his bedroom say? Sawyer wasn’t the only skank here. I was, too. What else was I, wanting to be with multiple different guys? Girls might’ve crushed on guys simultaneously, but my feelings for them went beyond that.
These guys made me weak, and I both hated and loved it, denied and craved it.That same weakness had started with Ray.
I was just as fucked up as the rest of them. I might’ve pretended I was better, strutted around campus like I was the bitch to beat, but in reality, I was just a girl, caught in a web she couldn’t free herself from. It was a web of my own doing, since I’d kept Ray a secret from everyone, even Mom.
The idiotic, stupid choices of my past self would have some new company after tonight, I think.
I walked into the room.
Sawyer was splayed out on his bed, his naked back visible. He wore nothing but boxers, I saw, and one of his muscled arms hung over the edge of the bed, near the nightstand with the lamp. His head still had pink hair, and I smiled to myself even though I knew I shouldn’t. Seeing this bastard shouldn’t make me feel anything, and yet here I was, star struck and grinning.
He didn’t look half bad with pink hair.
