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And by it I meant everything. I couldn’t last and keep my sanity if I kept reverting back to the past, if I let this revenge take hold of me and swallow me up. It wasn’t healthy. I knew I wasn’t the poster girl for mental or physical health, but I tried. I did the best I could with what I was given.
I couldn’t help but laugh as Declan steered his player off the race track and into the dirt, where he drove ten times slower. Will, meanwhile, had slipped on a banana peel right after being hit with a shell. “You guys both suck.” And that was a nice insult; I think a second grader would be a better player than either brother.
A fluid, easy chuckle escaped Will, and for a moment, I closed my eyes and reveled in the sound. I’d missed his laughter, the feeling I got when near him. It was different than I felt around Declan, more instinctual. Declan…my feelings for Declan were much more complicated and dealt with a lot more baggage. Will could be simple, or at least as simple as it could be with me.
But I’d never be able to have Will, just like I’d never be able to have Declan. Somehow I was the only girl on campus and I still couldn’t have a boyfriend.
Not that I was hardcore searching for one, but you know what I mean.
Fuck, not like I could have a single boyfriend when I had conflicting feelings for multiple guys, guys who all hated each other. Really, if this was going to turn into one of those reverse harem situations—which my horny vagina wouldn’t mind—it’d take something big to get them to be on the same side again.
“Well if this was a real game, I’d be a lot better at it,” Will shot back, a grin on his face. He must’ve just shaved this morning before driving all the way here; his cheeks and chin were free of stubble. I wanted to run my fingers along it and feel the smoothness, touch his boyish dimples and nip at those lips.
It was difficult to keep the horny girl inside of me in check when surrounded by such cute and attractive testosterone.
“A real game?” I echoed, tossing a chip right at his face. He let it hit his forehead and fall to his lap, and then he proceeded to eat it. He didn’t even pause the game, which meant his character was only getting further behind. “Mario Kart is a real game, and you guys know at least one of you has to finish in fourth place or above, otherwise you don’t get to move on to the next race.” A public service announcement I suppose I should have told them sooner, because they both turned to look at me like I’d just told them zombies were real and the apocalypse was happening just outside the dorm door.
They went back to playing, and no surprise, it came down to Declan and Will fighting for whoever could get seventh place. I watched, holding back my laughter as their two cartoon characters raced to the finish line. Will just barely nudged past Declan, which secured him in seventh; Declan got eighth. Neither guy had any right to brag, though. They both sucked, and if they sucked against the crappy computer players, they’d only suck worse when going against me.
Declan let out a groan, and Will lifted his hands in the air, as if he’d just won a gold medal in the Olympics, like he stood on a platform in front of a huge audience. “I am the winner,” Will said with a laugh. “You, little brother, can eat my shit.”
I busted out laughing, because something like that was not what I expected Will to say.
Declan frowned, but I could tell he was fighting not to laugh. “You’re acting like you beat me by a mile. You made it across the finish line two seconds before me.”
“And you still lost,” Will said.
“And you both still suck,” I reminded them. I hopped off my bed and grabbed the controller from Declan, pushing to sit between them. Right in between the two brothers who I most certainly should not have feelings for, the two brothers I most definitely had feelings for. Go fucking figure. That was just how my life went. I should know it by now.
Declan scooted aside on the floor, pouting. Only he could pull off a look like that and still be adorably cute. “I don’t suck that bad,” he whispered, as if he was really hurt.
I knew he was trying to make me feel for him, and damn it, it was working. “I was watching,” I said, “and you both suck hard at this.” I restarted a new match and chose a different race track, along with a different character. In all my life, I was always the big mean turtle. Bowser was my go-to guy.
Hah…even in childish videogames, I always went for the bad guy. Ironic.
“But I guess after I kick Will’s ass, I can then kick yours,” I told Declan as the race loaded. I shot a glance at him over my shoulder, giving him a warm smile. “I’m all about spreading the love.”
Declan stared at me, his dark eyes unreadable. My stomach did a little flip, and I was quick to return my attention to the TV. Beside me, Will nudged me and whispered, “I guess I get the love first then, huh?”
I had no idea what he meant, but all the same, I felt my cheeks flaring up. I pretended not to notice the heat creeping up my cheeks as the race started. Just as I knew I would, I blasted off as soon as the red light turned green, leaving him in the dust.
Will was actually so bad—or I was just that good—that I actually passed him doing my third lap around the racetrack while he was still doing his second. I might’ve saved up a banana peel just for him, purposefully letting it loose when I drove my character close enough. It was a wasted banana, since he was so far behind, but it made me laugh all the same.
“Cruel,” Will murmured, tossing a quick look at his brother. “I don’t see how you room with her. She’s so mean.”
“She is mean,” Declan agreed, and as I crossed the finish line—nabbing myself first place, no surprise there—I reached over and gave him a soft push. “See? She’s beating me up right now, in front of my own brother.”
“The nerve I have,” I said with a smile.
Declan’s chocolaty stare fell to my shoulder as he added, “You’ll probably be the death of me.” Whispered so seriously, so softly I hardly heard him. Will was trying to finish his third lap, so I wasn’t sure if he heard it or not. But I did, and the words weighed heavily on me.
I hoped he was joking. I hoped his words were just something stupid he thought to say, but when I met his eyes, when he sluggishly drew those warm, kind eyes from my shoulder and back to my face, I knew. I knew without a doubt he wasn’t joking. He meant it, and that made me feel awful, really. This world…I didn’t want to be a part of it if Declan wasn’t in it, and I sure as hell could never live with myself if I was the reason something happened to him.
If I would’ve been later that night…if I wouldn’t have gotten to him in time and used my shirt as a tourniquet, he’d be dead. Right now, I was the reason he was still here, and yet he really did believe that I would be the death of him.
With my shitty luck, he was probably right.
When Will finally crossed the finish line, I took the controller from his hands and gave it to Declan.
