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“Why didn’t you tell me about him?”
Declan looked at me, gingerly sitting himself down on his desk chair. “You never asked.”
“Okay,” I said, “any other siblings I should know about?” AKA any other Briggs hotness to prepare myself for? I held in a sigh when he shook his head. Just him and Will, thankfully.
“Do you?” he asked me, earning a confused blink from me.
“No,” I said, not sure why he’d want to know anything about me. My life really wasn’t that interesting. “I mean, my dad might have other kids by now, but I don’t know them, and I hope I never do.” With my dad running off when I was so young, he was bound to have other kids by now.
The thought was horrible. I wanted him to be miserable for what he did to my mom, to me. Dumping us like we were trash, worthless to him. Chasing tail, chasing a woman who was his secretary or something. I didn’t know the whole story, and that was mostly because it was never a story for a child’s ears, but I knew he did us wrong.
I also knew he was doing a lot better for himself than we ever were. He might not have been as rich as these kids and their families at Hillcrest, but he wasn’t dirt poor, either.
Declan then asked something he shouldn’t have, something that made a nauseous pit grow in my stomach. “What about ex-boyfriends?”
It was a simple enough question, and its answer should’ve been easy. After all, I’d played this game with Sawyer on our date. But perhaps it was because of what happened here not that many days ago, or perhaps it was simply because I wasn’t with Sawyer, so my walls weren’t up, but I thought of him.
“I’ve dated a few,” I said, not wanting to talk about it. My boyfriends growing up were more like boys who I just happened to kiss. My last boyfriend was an on and off thing for years…and it only ended because one of us ended up in jail—and here’s a hint: it wasn’t me.
My last boyfriend was the reason I knew guys like Travis too well. My last boyfriend was the reason I woke up sometimes in a panic, as if I’d never truly gotten away. My last boyfriend…he wasn’t the sort of guy you’d ever bring home to Mom. In fact, for all those years in high school, I’d kept him from her. He was my secret, my special thrill I kept to myself.
I’d been stupid.
Declan ran a hand along his laptop, which had remained closed and untouched these last few days. “I’ve only ever been with Sabrina,” he whispered, a particular detail I didn’t need to know…and it made me wonder if he meant he’d only dated Sabrina, or if he meant he’d only ever been with her in a sexual capacity.
Even though it’d been nearly a year, a hollow sadness still rested in his voice when he spoke of her. It was a gloominess that would probably never go away. If Sabrina was his first love, then he might never get over her, even if they weren’t strictly together when she died…even if she’d been with Travis, too.
“Would you ever date again?” I asked in a bare whisper, my eyes on the carpet. For some reason, I couldn’t stand to look at him when he talked about Sabrina. Knowing I reminded him of her made me feel all different kinds of conflicted.
It was a minute before Declan nodded, his dark eyes staring at me. “For the right girl, I would.”
“The right girl,” I echoed, lost in my own mind. Declan could be running around the room naked, swinging his dick around like he’d just discovered it, and I wouldn’t have noticed. Anyone would do anything for the right girl… “I don’t think I’m anyone’s girl,” I spoke, leaning my head back as I lay down on my bed.
“What do you mean?” Declan asked, genuinely curious.
I turned, giving him my back. I ran a hand over the sheets below me, feeling so tired, even if it was still day. Even if the world of night was hours away. “I think some people are made to be in relationships,” I muttered. “Me? I’m not, and I don’t mean it like I have a fear of commitment. I mean…”
I couldn’t speak another word, and I heard Declan get off his chair and move closer to me. “Ash,” he spoke my name softly, sitting on the bed with me.
Ray. That was his name. Even when I thought it, I felt a shiver run down my spine. His name came with so much baggage, and I honestly had done my best to try to forget about him and what he did, what he made me do.
“He broke me,” I stated in a whisper, staring at the wall with my fingers splayed in the sheets. “I might look put-together, I might act normal, but I’m not. I’m broken, Declan, and there’s no fixing me.”
I thought coming to Hillcrest was my way out, but surrounded by these rich boys and their problems, their machinations and their handsome faces, I was doing nothing but drowning. Even if the guys didn’t kill me, my past just might. After all, Travis was nothing like Ray.
“You’re not broken,” Declan said. “And neither am I. We might have scars, but we’re here. We’re alive. We’ll move on…we have to.”
I detected a hint of wistfulness, and I turned to look at him. He gingerly set a hand on my side, his warmth flooding into me like a tidal wave of contentedness, a type of tranquility I was fine with. I got up, leaning myself against his chest, for once being careful not to touch his hurt arm, and to keep my splinted hand aside.
Declan let out a ragged breath, and I felt his good hand travel to my lower back. It wasn’t the first time we’d embraced, but it was the first time I wasn’t thinking about pulling away. I closed my eyes when I leaned my forehead against his neck, never wanting this moment to end.
“Moving on is hard,” I muttered.
“I know,” Declan said, and I tilted my head, my eyes falling to his mouth.
Now was not the time to kiss him, but damn it, I really wanted to.
“Ash,” he whispered my name in a hushed tone, and I brought a hand to his face, trailing my fingers down his cheek. “If something ever happened to you because of me…I don’t think I could live with it.”
