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I was so screwed here, and not in the good way. It was like I stepped out of my life the moment I walked on campus and entered one of those mystery, drama-filled TV shows where everyone was a suspect. I loved those shows, but being in one? Not knowing who to trust, who to lean on, who to watch extra carefully? I didn’t love that.
Once I was back in the room, I set the bag on my bed and slid my skateboard beneath the frame, tucking it safely away. Declan was in the bathroom, but he came out a moment later, having changed into his pajamas. And by pajamas, I meant athletic shorts and a loose t-shirt. I tried not to look at him too hard, mostly because I was still thinking back to what Travis had said. I had my back to him, getting out the food from the bag.
Was Declan a monster? I would never have thought so, but after that party…it was hard not to lump him in with rest.
“Smells good,” Declan said, suddenly so close to me. Too close. So close I could smell his aftershave. So close I could glance at him and see the smooth lines of his square jaw. He was practically suffocating me on my bed.
Okay, total exaggeration there, but still. I nearly leaped out of my skin when I realized how close he was.
“Yeah,” I muttered, handing him his container and a set of plastic silverware I’d taken from the union. Less for us to wash, right? Declan took it, his hand engulfing mine. Do not notice how big his hands are. Do not notice how warm they are. Do not notice how when he walks, you can see the swaying indent of something in his shorts you definitely shouldn’t see…
It was hard to stay sane at a place like Hillcrest University. Full of dicks, monsters or not, and still I was the one constantly swooning and daydreaming about the three guys I shouldn’t.
Why the hell couldn’t I daydream about someone else? Anyone else? My classes were full of guys. There were literally tons of other faces to choose from, and yet my mind had zeroed in on Sawyer, Travis, and Declan.
Fuck me.
Declan sat at his desk, plowing into his food with vigor. He’d gained some weight in the past few weeks, not enough to make him look overweight, but enough that he looked healthier now. Less depressed. Which was good, because being around someone who was constantly morose was awful. Made me want to be sad with him.
“So are you really going to work on your paper after this?” Declan asked, tossing me a quick glance. He watched me sit at my desk. Something was on his mind, but he didn’t bring it up. He said nothing else, actually, as he watched me.
This was how it was between us: friendly, but not overly so. It was more than clear he didn’t want to get close to me, didn’t want to be my new best friend. Good, because Kelsey would fight him for that honor, if given the chance, but sad because I felt the friction between us.
“I might just go to bed,” I muttered, picking at the food. It smelled heavenly, yes, but after that encounter with Travis, I wasn’t hungry. Not really. Something about it just wasn’t sitting right with me. I couldn’t…I couldn’t pretend to be happy right now. It felt like way too much work.
We were all monsters at Hillcrest. I didn’t think of myself a monster, but I knew someone who would think differently, someone who’d called me worse names while claiming he loved me. My last relationship…I’d like to say it was on my mind less and less as time went on, but the opposite was true: I thought about it more and more, probably because this deranged situation between Declan, Sawyer, and Travis reminded me of him.
I didn’t like to think about him, or our relationship, and I refused to say or think of his name. I wouldn’t. I would focus on Hillcrest, on the guys around me. If they couldn’t sort their problems by themselves, maybe I would help them. Bring the three of them back together somehow. It was more than obvious to me that none of them were whole; each and every one of them had lost something when Sabrina killed herself.
If she killed herself, but that was a mystery for another time.
Chapter Sixteen – Ash
Kelsey and I were walking home. Where we were walking home from, I couldn’t remember. I also couldn’t remember what season it was. Summer? Spring? Fall? The trees’ leaves were green, but the air felt too cold.
Kelsey’s black hair was drawn back into a ponytail, her brown eyes crinkled in merriment. She was busy laughing at something she’d said, but I couldn’t remember what she’d just said. Everything in my mind was hazier than it should’ve been. I didn’t feel like myself. I felt strange, like an alien in my own body.
Like…like I wasn’t in control. Like everything that was about to happen was out of my control.
“Well, this is it,” Kelsey said, her high-pitched voice sounding a bit sad. She turned her body to face me, reaching out and enveloping me in a giant hug. “I’m going to miss you.” The way she whispered it, it was as if we were never going to see each other again.
“I’ll miss you, too,” I whispered, not sure why I was saying it. When the hug ended and I met my friend’s eyes, suddenly I knew. I knew this was it; this was the end of everything we’d ever known. Nothing would be the same after this.
Kelsey kept walking on the sidewalk, not a single car driving by. I watched her go, feeling the urge to turn around and see where she’d left me. In front of a giant house, a mansion, a place I’d never seen before. Whoever owned this place had to have money. So much money they probably wiped their asses with it and flushed it straight down the toilet.
I had no bag, nothing holding me back, so I headed to the front door, walking up the grand steps. The sunlight faded as I went, clouds gracing the sky, which was an eerie gray hue, nearly the same color as my eyes. Before I reached the front door, it swung open of its own accord, inviting me inside.
The house was full of decorations that cost more than my mom’s car, blindingly bright chandeliers and carpets that looked too nice to walk on. I made my way to a dining room, finding three guys sitting at the table, quiet, save for my footsteps.
Declan, Sawyer, and Travis. Brown eyes, green eyes, blue eyes, all watching me. They each rose an arm, pointing to the side. My gaze followed where they were pointing, and my stomach lurched when I saw a chair resting under the archway between the dining room and a sitting room of sorts.
Well, not so much the chair itself as from the noose hanging above it.
I knew in my heart of hearts it was meant for me. Moving to the chair, I paused before climbing up it, glancing back at the group of guys at the table. They’d all gotten to their feet, their handsome faces grim. Declan’s mouth was drawn into a thin line, but it didn’t detract from his cuteness. Travis stared at me with wary eyes, his fingers tensing at his sides. For some reason, his tattoos blurred into one another. I couldn’t tell where one ended and the next began. Sawyer…Sawyer was walking toward me, that lazy half smirk on his face.
“You knew this would happen,” Sawyer spoke once he stood before me, running a hand along my arm. Goosebumps rose in my flesh, his touch the opposite of tender and warm. More like uncaring and cold. So very cold.
Near the table, Travis whispered, “We’re all monsters here.” At his side, Declan nodded grimly.
