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“I don’t know.”
“Is it because you’re worried he’s playing with you while you’re playing with him?” Xander suggested, leaning on the table next to the keyboard. “Or because you’re worried he’s not playing?”
If he wasn’t playing, it would mean Christian had developed real feelings for me. I know the original plan was to break them, take their hearts and crush them under my boots, but I just couldn’t do it. Breaking someone’s heart seemed so unnecessarily cruel, and regardless of how I began this journey, I didn’t want to be cruel.
I wanted…I wanted to be me. To be me, wholly and unapologetically. To have everyone accept me for who I was, not who I pretended to be. I’d made that step with Alec and Xander, and a part of me wanted to make it with Christian, too.
I closed my eyes, my hand falling off the mouse and onto my lap as I leaned back in my chair. “I don’t know. Xander, I don’t know. I have no idea what’s worse. I just…” A sigh came up my throat, and I was slow to meet his stare. “I wish things were simple. I feel like my life is crazy.”
“That’s because it kind of is,” he told me, but there was no malice in his voice. Only a gentle reminder that I had been the one to choose this path. This was on me, and everything that would happen would be a result of my actions.
“It wasn’t always crazy. Way, way back when, like in first grade, my life was kind of good.”
Xander reached for me. He was only allowed to do so because the other seniors, meaning Christian, had left school grounds already. “I’m sorry we made your life terrible,” he whispered. “If I would’ve known what would happen…” He trailed off, his hand soft on my own in my lap.
“It wouldn’t have changed anything,” I said. “You would have still done what you did, because you were a little shit, just like everyone else.”
He smiled—one of those rare, elusive gems. I didn’t get them nearly as often as I wished I did. “A little shit, huh? Fine, you’re right there. But if I was a little shit, what were you?”
“Still a little shit. Just a super depressed, suicidal little shit,” I replied. “Aren’t all kids little shits anyway?” When I met his stare, I found that he was still smiling. God, I could get used to his smile. It made my heartbeat increase and my stomach do a few flips.
Xander said, “Somehow, I don’t think a lot of parents would agree with you.”
Yes, calling most kids little shits would not win me any awards.
I did my best to enjoy the rest of my time with Xander. When I got home, I promptly ignored Diane and refused to eat dinner. If I was grounded like an angsty teenager, I’d act like an angsty teenager, thank you very much. I had no time for dinner anyway. I had a video to watch, to double and triple check, and then I had to send it to Leah.
The next day, she called me and told me she approved of it.
Granted, the video itself wasn’t on the level I’d wanted it to be, but that was mostly because I’d grown soft toward these guys. All three of them, even Christian. Fucking Christian. Why’d he have to go and lend me his shoes and act all nice to me? Why did flirting with him have to be so fun?
As I lay in bed, my phone against my ear, I listened to Leah talk. “I know it’s not what you set out to do, but I think it’s powerful. I think it’ll get the message across. I only wish I’d be there to see it.”
Powerful. Was that a compliment? Should I be thankful that Leah thought it was powerful? I had no idea. All of this was new to me, even after all this time.
“Elle,” she paused, putting way too much emphasis on my name. Probably because I’d been oddly silent. “You know it’s okay, right? I mean, that you didn’t annihilate these guys. You’re still getting back at them, but you’re taking a higher road. You’re not sinking down to their level.” When I said nothing, she added, “I knew you’d fall for them. I knew it.”
I laughed. “You did not.”
“I did. I totally guessed this happening, mostly because the little brat—” AKA her younger sister, who was six years younger than us. “—has been addicted to these high school shows lately. You’re the lead in this story. It was only a matter of time before you fell for the hero—uh, sorry, heroes. Heroes, as in multiple guys. Really, Elle, I never took you for a hussy.” Her deadpan delivery made us both chuckle into the phone.
Only a matter of time. She sounded just like Christian the other day. God, I wished she was wrong. I didn’t want to be a clichéd, hopeless girl who fell hard for her childhood bullies. What kind of message would that send? Okay. What kind of message would a threesome between three eighteen year olds send?
Maybe my life wasn’t about sending messages. Maybe my life should just be my life. Mine. I decided what to do, what not to do. Why couldn’t I just do what I wanted to do? Why was I so worried about other people?
Alec Perry, Xander Hill, Christian Moore—these boys had to know just how badly they’d broken me. They had to see for themselves, and they would all see it at Snowball. The whole school would. Once they knew, once they saw the video, only then could they ever truly comprehend how badly they hurt me, and just because we were together now did not mean I forgave them for their past actions.
Forgiveness. It was something my mom always advocated. My therapist, too. Forgiveness was something I always had difficulties with, because I didn’t think they deserved it. Wasn’t forgiveness earned? It shouldn’t be given out freely, handed out to everyone like the coupons in the paper. Forgiveness was special, because not everyone could be forgiven.
Those boys…no, those men—did they deserve it? Had they made it up to me? I don’t know. Like I said, not good at this, and I made no arguments for myself. I was just fumbling around, trying to figure out what was right here. I had no guiding force, no angel on my shoulder telling me what to do. I was left to my own devices.
“Do you think they’ll still want to be with me after the dance?” I asked quietly, fearing if I spoke any louder, my dad or Diane would overhear.
It was a while before Leah answered me. “What do you want me to say?”
“I’m asking you what you think, not asking you to tell me what I want to hear.”
Leah heaved a great breath, saying, “I don’t know. Maybe. Or maybe Alec and Xander will be hurt that you included them in a video that was supposed to be about Christian, and they won’t want to talk to you. And Christian—who knows how that cookie will crumble. Either way, you’re stronger now than you were before. You got this. You can handle it.”
