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He nibbled on his lip ring before nodding once. His go-ahead for my self-stated venting.
It was only because we were far enough from the house that I was comfortable saying, “I hate them. It might sound stupid, but I hate them. A part of me blames them for everything, which I know doesn’t make sense.”
“Sometimes feelings don’t make sense,” Xander said, sounding far too understanding. I wasn’t expecting it. Stupid, considering what we had in common. “Sometimes feelings just are. You can’t change them.”
I wanted to laugh, because he was right. All of it, he was so right it hurt. Feelings just were; you couldn’t stop them, couldn’t change them, couldn’t pretend they didn’t exist. Like my feelings for Xander, for instance, something that had come completely out of the blue.
Running a hand through my hair, I said, “The worst part is, my dad and Diane have been nothing but nice to me. I’m mad at them for nothing. It’s like I hate them, and I know I shouldn’t. I feel like such a…a teenager.”
Xander leaned closer to me as we walked, whispering, “If you haven’t noticed, you are a teenager.”
I laughed. “I know, but I don’t want to be.”
“Give it a few years, and you won’t be.”
“A few years,” I repeated, gazing at the neighborhood as we walked. Few cars drove by; it was a quiet place, a decent town. A town where nothing bad ever happened, save for bullying, apparently. “I can’t imagine where I’ll be in a few years. Can you?”
“College, mostly because my parents want me to go.”
“Yeah, me too.” I’d been accepted to the few I’d applied to, but I hadn’t made any decisions yet. One thing at a time. “After that, though, I don’t know. There’s not one thing I know I want to do with my life.”
I’d never grown up knowing what I wanted to be. Some kids knew they wanted to be teachers, cops, nurses and doctors. I…I spent so many years of my life believing I’d never get that far. Why bother wasting time daydreaming about a future career when I thought I was going to die?
Xander sighed. “Honestly, me too. I don’t know what I’m going to major in. The only thing I know for sure is that I’m going to be drowning in debt.”
I found myself reaching for his hand, my fingers intertwining with his pale, slender ones. “We can drown in debt together.” I laughed—funny, because twenty minutes ago, I’d been drowning in rage and hatred. Now I was laughing, not exactly carefree but close to it.
Being with Xander, walking hand in hand with him down the sidewalk was calming. More so than I ever knew. I grinned to myself, even though the prospect of drowning in debt for an uncertain future was not amusing. Not really.
I just…I liked this. Being here, with him—I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
This felt right.
